why i hate america

i heard a soundbite today about Ford unveiling a car that will parallel park itself.

We are giving them billions of dollars because they refuse to build cars that use alternative fuels, are more efficient, and the best that they can come up with is a cheap gimmick that will impress those who become entranced by shiny objects.

Man, are we fucked.

kites today

So the sex has turned into something more; exactly what, i am unsure. i know that it is more than the physical, more than friendship, perhaps a level of love that one enters after discovering so much about another.

i will not try and match yours with mine. And, you have to know, as does everyone, that ExA will always have residence within me, a space that may shrink in size but always burn.

i am excited to know you more.

the world's smallest violins in my hands

There are many,many things that anger me about this whole situation, but none as much as this:

You, walking up to me as we meet to drop off the girls, handing me a bag full of Christmas ornaments, and saying, "I want you to know this is very hard for me."

Once again, I am supposed to feel bad for you. But... when i try and kill myself, i'm not "thinking about others."

Your sadness about our divorce is overwhelming, i am very sad for you, now leave me the fuck alone to figure out how to go to bed without crying and wake up without a plan to fake how much i enjoy life.

Best Worst Idea Ever

Sunday evening looked to be a mellow night. My friend Map and i decided to go out for a beer.

Somewhere along the way, we wondered exactly how many bars were in our town (and annexed a neighboring town so we could include some of our favorites). It was then decided that a trip to each and drinking one beer would be the order of the night.

At the first bar, Applebees (yeah, that's the downside of a stupid stunt like this- you gotta include the lousy chain restaurants), the list was compiled. It was then refined at the next bar, a Japanese restaurant where a lovely bartender named Lauren helped us think of more.

The list included 31. We got to ten before i called uncle.

The next morning, i found a traffic cone in the back of my car, and have no idea how it got there.

Best worst idea ever.

plants are oblivious to their deaths

A friend recommended online dating sites, so i tried a couple. All in all, not a positive experience, mostly because i really am not ready to start dating, but also because i find the process cumbersome.

i started conversations with a couple of women, but found the conversations going so well that i didn't want to meet them; continuing on with friendly exchanges was enough for me.

Fear? Probably.

But when your heart's not in it to begin with you don't need that much trepidation to be daunted. KT listens to my stories about this with interest, and, i am sure, some jealously. It's as if i can never really settle on where i stand with her; at times the hate cycles so deeply i am surprised i even allow her into my bed. Other times, i see her sweetness, and can almost forgive her for breaking the one request i had of her, thereby damning my marriage.

i still fantasize that ExA and i will reconcile; highly unlikely now that she's onto her next serious relationship and i have seen enough photos and heard enough from The Land and The Sea to know he is special to her. And she rarely misses a chance to ensure how little i mean to her. Occasionally i confess to friends that i have these reconciliation fantasies, and they are incredulous.

It is hard for them to understand that although ExA is self centered and cold, that those are countered by traits so wonderful, it is easy to fall in love with her again and again.

It is her in her entirety that i am in love with, and cannot figure out why it wasn't enough to keep me from wanting otherwise.

pathetic, part 15

i am so nostalgic it's embarrassing.

Yesterday afternoon i needed to attend a VERY interesting meeting (Changes to the Global Medicaid Waiver)that was held at RIC. It wasn't until driving up there that i realized my good fortune: i would be at my Alma Mater in early November. Autumn was always my favorite time on campus, still very vivid in my mind.

This is where it gets pathetic.... imagining it's 1988 as i walk through the campus on my way to the student union.

It worked. It all came back in one form or another, images of friends, conversations, late nights at WXIN, the feeling that i could change the world through teaching literature.

i was so happy, if only for a few minutes.

no time to gloat, let's get on with it

There is too much to say, so why say anything? Of course i am psyched that Obama won, although i voted for Nader.... Obama is a little too right wing for my taste, but you have to start somewhere. At least we'll have four years of an administration caring for the poor and middle class, among others.

Still, the energy at the Scurvy Dog Tuesday night was palpable. i was glad to be a part of it, with my friend Dave and a bar full of people who only wanted to see an end to Bush and his ilk.

Beautiful.

Aunt Kate

She was my favorite Aunt, the one whose skin was always tanned from the Florida sun, where they lived throughout the late sixties and seventies. Always had a big box of Mister Salty's in the bottom cupboard and didn't care if i took handfuls to eat- her warm, sweet smile was always welcoming, non-judgmental. Not all of her siblings were like this, unfortunately.

Her disposition became extraordinary to me later in life when she maintained it after losing two sons, one in his twenties and another in his thirties. In spite of this unimaginable pain- it is my greatest fear, losing one of my girls- she carried on and did not let bitterness guide her.

My search for a Zen lifestyle, for spiritual contentment, will take a note from her book.

and they're all mine, BWhahahah! Well, half mine....

Just to see The Land & The Sea become better sisters and friends goes beyond my best expectations. Last week at church, while sitting in front of the altar listening to the children's' homily (watered down so they'll drink it in, the sheep that they are), The Land leaned over and hugged The Sea, who was acting goofy to make The Land laugh.

Later that morning, I told The Land how sweet it was that she hugged her sister. She replied,

"I was trying to hurt her."

Now ain't that sweet? Sociopath in the making.

i saw my love with pretty boy

i should expect by now that he will be with you and the girls more and more. Still, seeing him in the passenger seat hurts so much, i can only ask...

How can i be so forgotten?

Holloween

Last weekend ExA mentioned to me that I could go Trick or Treating with them if i wanted to. Immediately i told her that i will come by and see them but that i cannot go out with them.... pretending to be a family again would take a week of recovery (i didn't tell her that part).

She looked confused momentarily, then accepted it. She understands, for the most part.

My psych med counselor, or, The Best Nurse Practitioner in the World, as i have come to know her, asked, "Why would she think that that was okay to ask?"

If i could answer that, i'd probably still be married. Still, i tried.

"Because for her, life goes on, no matter what someone else might be feeling."

hate begets hate

i had started another blog about how much i hate right wing radio, but it's been dormant for so long i hesitate to keep it up. However, i haven't lacked for comments, just the drive to write about them... happens when you lose the love of your life.

In particular, two local talk show hosts piss me off: Dan Yorke and Matt Allen. First of all, they are the typical angry white male who is right wing because he mis-perceives what the rest of humanity is trying to do- give equal rights to all- and takes it as an affront to his manhood or whiteness. But what really gets me is how both equate feminist or effeminate characteristics with weakness.

Yorke recently referred to those caught in the banking crisis who are not being held responsible by the media for accepting mortgages they couldn't afford as the "feminization" of America. I guess that is to imply no one is manly enough to blame them. Allen often effects a stereotypical gay tone when he wants to underscore something that is weak, or not brave. Both of these are so hateful towards women and gays it's infuriating.

Especially given that I know many women and gay men that are much stronger than some men i know.

caring by proxy

It's amazing the scare you can create by requesting a shovel and then burying something. Believe, if and when i decide to off myself, i will think of something much more effective then self burial.

And i think it's hilarious how you contact my friends and ask them to check in on me. You can't be bothered to care, so you assign it to someone else... like when we're were married.

Just fucking leave me alone.

for K****, forever ago

You may want to believe i like breaking hearts- i don't. i just can't give you what you want, and while i am sorry for that, it doesn't change my mind.

Still, i love seeing pictures of you happy with your friends, and am always moved by how your beautiful face comes through in photographs.

i do miss you, but understand.

having it my way

You know when you're invited to a party where there is a surf horror band playing, and you hit it off with the hostess after you find out that it is her 30th birthday and you want to kiss her because you remember what it was like to turn thirty and it was the best year of your life because you met your soul mate but can't be with her anymore and then have the perfect image of your two young girls sleeping soundly in their beds?

Well, if you top it off with a triple whopper at BK it is the perfect ending to a great night.

and now a word from

Falling backward a little.... it may be from all the contact we had last week, talking about stuff. At least that is what we came up with today, in the allotted forty five minutes.

Also, that you have not rejected me, but what i did to you. i suppose i can accept that, amidst all of the "how did i get here?" that permeates daily. In many ways it is still a dream.... dreamlike, opaque.

i did dream about you, three nights ago... an awkward reconciliation that became sad. Thank god life has so many paths to take.

Rest in Peace, Stanley Cat.

it's like rain on your wedding day

i am going to a wedding today, and it looks as though the day will be perfect for them. i had always wanted an autumn wedding, but somehow along the way ExA and I agreed on May, due to circumstances i cannot recall.

When these recollections arise, they are usually followed by this thought: "I wonder if that's why we didn't make it?" Then another voice shoots it down with, "Yeah, you idiot, that's exactly why you are divorced, because you didn't get married in the fall!"

i must be getting better.

fuck dancing, let's art

This past rainy Saturday was looking dismal, especially for entertaining a 7 and 4 year old.

Luckily we have the RISD museum, and even more incredible is that day was the celebration of the new Chihuly exhibit.

i used to be suspicious of glass blowing- my older sister, who I adore, and I once argued about the functionality of glass art. This was as we walked galleries in Seattle, some of which was probably Chihuly's. Looking back i see how foolish i had been, because everything i have seen by Chihuly makes me wish i could become a domestic servant of his just to be near his work.

His new work is amazing- the pieces and the way they are displayed makes one feel as though they are walking into a temple, one that developed naturally in an underground cavern. My daughters even loved it, as much as they could, but really wanted to see the Buddha on the fourth floor.

The Buddha was always my favorite, too.

dawning

I surprised myself last night.

While laying in bed next to my four year old, listening to her sleep, i thought about how much i love my life.

It's been six months since i have felt this. Before then, i said it almost daily, in spite of my marriage being devoid of caring, i felt all other areas of my life- my children, my job, my friends- were more than i could even want.

This was helped this week by making a breakthrough, removing A from the pedestal. It came to me that if she could welcome two men into our bed within months of the disintegration of our marriage that she never knew what she was saying to me when she told me she loved me.

Freed of that illusion, content filled me, and it was okay to have my heart open again.

All of this fortune amidst the soft breaths of a sleeping child.

Festering

Wickford had a two day Harborfest this past weekend. Last year's was a bit bigger, but this year's lost no charm. A nice selection of food and entertainment.

Of note is Keith Munslow a children's entertainer who originated with the Big Nazo Puppets. It was the second time we have seen him, and he never disappoints... I usually have way too much fun myself. He manages to relate to kids (and adults) with being condescending, something I find all too prevalent with children's entertainment (hear that, Barney, you asshole?!).

He made the day for my daughters, even ahead of the ice cream.

this week

Am i still here? i am.

Problem is, you're not.

This week has been one of enlightenment and confusion. Eventually we will be just two acquaintances who have children to raise. Not so sad... the future holds endless possibilities, possibilities that once included you but you have been successfully excised from them.

Successfully excised? Exorcised?

seeing movies in a bicycle helmet

A magical afternoon- long bike ride, end up at the movie theatre, see a movie all by myself.

i saw Vicky Cristina Barcelona. As a big Woody Allen fan, i know that he has the impossible task of surpassing his own movies (as far as i am concerned he has made so many great films that he can do drunken frat movies for the rest of his life), but the stereotype of the "uptight, analytical" woman who needed enlightening was so John Hughesian that I wondered throughout the film where he was going with it. Granted, he managed to offer another perspective, but I found the characterizations of Vicky and Cristina so one dimensional it annoyed me, especially because I go to his films to see his wonderfully unique and believable characters. Don't even get me started on Vicky's husband, who is such an archetype that he may have actually been lifted from "Pretty in Pink."

It was still very good, and funny throughout. I especially enjoyed seeing Javier Bardem in another role since I am still catatonic after seeing his fantastic performance in "No Country For Old Men". I related to the questions about love posed in the film, especially Cristina's recurring comment that she "doesn't know what she wants but knows what she doesn't want."


On another note, my oldest daughter tends to be overly serious and egocentric, which describes most 7 year olds, but she did something very cute this morning.

When she and her younger sister stay with me, they often do not want to stay in the same bed because of how sensitive L*** is to her sister's movements. Well, last night they did sleep together and I slept elsewhere. At 6 AM or so I was awakened by L***, who said, "Daddy, will you come sleep in the bed with C******? She's moving a little and I know that means she's waking up and will be sad if you're not there with her."

What an act of such selflessness.

playing house

It gets confusing. We have a simple phone conversation and all of a sudden i am transported to a time when we were still married. When you say "Have a good day," it comes across as an insult rather than well-wishing.

i know that you feel these exchanges will lead to friendship. You, like everyone, believes in the power of time wearing away passion. i want to combat it, but am about to renege as long as you will leave me, and take this pain with you.

captain of my dreams

i find myself fantasizing about a day where you come to me, missing me, wanting to be with me, realizing that your current boyfriend (soon to be husband) isn't as good. i am embarrassed by these, because i may as well wish for all war to end or to be transported to the moon.

i suppose fantasies are therapeutic because they serve some sort of healing process, but these only keep hope afloat, and i should just let the bow tip forward and drop to the bottom of the cold, dark ocean depths.

Moving on, as everyone else tells me.

reversal

Tomorrow is the day: whatever words that were spoken on May 22, 1999 will be forever reversed.

This process is so hateful, i want to forever give up on love. i go back and forth about abandoning this asinine belief that love can be all powerful, can hold broken seams together, can warm you on the coldest of days. It's just not the case... it's convenient, fleeting and random, and dies at the slightest threat.

But leaving it behind leaves me without my heart and soul... what do you do when that which you believed in turns out to be a shadow?

Potential Unrealized

My youngest daughter asked it again, as we drove home from having dinner with some family.

"But WHY did you move out?"

It sends me into turmoil, trying to explain that A and I will always be their parents, just not each other's husband and wife. My answer is rote, i answer it the way the experts say i should answer it.

Problem is, my heart still cannot catch up. If i don't believe it, will they?

In counseling this week, he suggested that i see my marriage with A as one that had potential but potential that was never going to be realized. This comforted me somehow, but after the fact, i dissected it too far.

i realized that it was the potential that kept me motivated in my love for A:

Just one more soul baring and she'll love me.

Just one more card and she'll finally see what she means to me.

One more play and she'll miss me and want to spend time with me.

It was a losing battle that i refused to see until i decided to fight selfishness with selfishness. Now i hope that i can find a woman just like her but who wants to be with me.

Hot Buttered Soul Master, RIP

i had no idea that Isaac Hayes was only 65 years old.... very young age to die. Even more impressive, was that he wrote many of his masterpieces while in his late 20's! i should be so creative at 41.

My favorite IH memory: a good friend, P***, who collects all kinds of music, played me a live version of Shaft from the mid 70's when Hayes played Lake Tahoe. Except, the announcer pronounced it "Lake Tay-ho." Never heard it said that way before.

Damn good version, though. Dammmmmmn right.

mirages

i visited a good friend this past week, and we spent almost the entire 29 hours talking: his marital issues, my divorce, and music. We both love music, in an unhealthy way.

At one point he expressed admiration for my recent trysts. i told him not to see them as a good life, because they are not. i wanted to make sure he knew that being able to see the same lovely woman everyday, waking with her, sitting beside her as you watch your children play, talking with her is so much more profound than having multiple sex partners. No matter how much sex there is, it is not nearly enough to replace the love and friendship you can have with one person.

Some say that monogamy is unnatural for humans. Perhaps it is, but the more i explore life the more convinced i am that it fits with me as naturally as breathing.

ghost passengers

Once in awhile, friends ask, "How are the girls doing?" With the divorce, of course. And that is a difficult question to answer.

i do not think their difficulties with it will be overt. A and i think we're doing a good job being respectful of one another so as to minimize damage, but who can tell what lay ahead for them. Yesterday, a co-worker implied that our 4 year old would do the best because she would have little memory of A and i together. That in itself is sad.

Last weekend, when we were away in Vermont, i was telling C****** that we need to go pick up a friend who would accompany us for dinner. She then asked, "Where will she sit?"

"In the front with me," i replied.

Her reply blindsided me, as we were no where near the car.

"But that's where mommy sits!" she answered. And i had to remind her that mommy doesn't sit there anymore.

identity + crisis

Today's question: why do i keep kissing women that i do not want to date?

i met up with a friend for drinks last night, which turned into dinner and eventually ended up at her house drinking wine. When we kissed, it was felt very good, so i let it go... i have been told that i should stop thinking so much and just "go with it." While that advice might be good in some situations, it has lead me to two relationships that i truly do not want to continue in a romantic manner.

i have known this woman for many years, but have not spent time with her alone. She's attractive, intelligent and funny, but so is K**** and the other woman i am currently seeing. those traits are lost on me at this time; it's like i cannot appreciate them because of this layer of A.

And the ultimate joke on me from the universe: i am having more physical intimacy in these last four months than in the last year of my marriage, and i could care less. It doesn't amount to what i thought it would.

i am going to end up being this mess of neuroses if i cannot take time to mourn the divorce and get it out of my system. This needs to come to me as lips meet, not the day after.

mu

i have never been interested in getting a tattoo. i am interested in tattoos, as there are so many good ones. My ex-wife has a friend who has incredible tattoos, and it was seeing those that piqued my initial interest in appreciating them as art. Still, i never wanted one.

Until my attempt and needing to record it somehow. At first it was going to be literal, but the more i thought about that the more i feared how gruesome it may look. i did not want something that screamed "I eat your brains!" or "I live punk rock!" It made sense to do something more representative and also remind me of A, who went to school for bio-medical illustration.

It's not fantastic, but it will do. At least i don't have to look at those two scars anymore.

big cities and the superheroes that love them

i imagine living in a big city gives a lot more fodder for blogs. If not writing about my wonderful divorce, i am at a loss s as to what to write. One of my favorite blogs is by a woman who lives in San Francisco- her blog is the funniest thing i have read in the last two years. She rarely lacks for posts, and her writing style is hilarious.

i will say that i did not love The Dark Knight. It was very good, but it need editing and Christian Bale's husky Batman voice started to irritate me about three quarters of the way through the film. Heath Ledger definitely did an amazing job... i wanted to see more Joker and less Batman.

closer

This is the best explanation i have heard or read:

"Suicide is not about problems, everyone has problems and many people triumph over adversity. Suicide is about PAIN and CONTROL. When you feel that you have no control over your pain, that the pain will never stop or get better, that is when suicide looks like a way to gain control and end the pain. Calling it depression diminishes the real, raw, tearing power of the pain one feels constantly, endlessly with no hope of it ever getting better or going away. It is an insanity that drags you into a black hole and you know that no matter what anyone says or does, you will stay in that black hole forever. Sometimes suicide is the bravest thing that one can think of to do for one's self. At that point, one is not thinking of those who are left behind or how those people will feel. The world of torture has become to insulated for those concerns. It equates to asking a person to take time to consider the consequences of what they are doing when they are already plunging down the cliff at 200 miles an hour. "

I would add that suicide is the ultimate contradiction: you end your life so you can live, because continuing to live is to be dead.

Again, i ask, why can't you be removed from me? i am tired, and just want to sleep.

i spent time last night with a friend i hadn't seen in over ten years. He has been divorced for five years and his insights were timely. When i left him, i felt as if a weight had been lifted slightly off my shoulders, like i was being assisted in carrying this useless boulder of love/pain/sadness.

i wish i kept in better touch with people. It's amazing what you gain from others, what is offered you, from past friends and new friends.

And there are past friends who just exist, who you'd love to share with but because it never worked in the past, it will never work now.

a candy so sweet

Thank god K is out of my life... i waited too long to end it, and wished i had stuck to it after the first time, March 7. Still, i am selfish and the lure of someone wanting you completely is a very potent drug.

Now i can devote all of my time and energy to watching minutes pass, each one bringing a memory so sharp an hour leaves me in shambles.

And from there it is just one small step to finishing the job i failed at in May.... as much as the lure of being desired is strong, the draw to stop time completely and preserve all that was good is that much stronger and subtler.

wandering as a cloud

The days are just lonely. Especially after i take the girls home- their home, the one that screams "Not yours!"

Everything that is not mine looms over me day in and day out. i know what i want to do, the one thing that is mine, but cannot, being a man of my word.. which makes me laugh, because if i was a man of my word i wouldn't be in this situation.

i know what i have, and am very thankful for it, but why isn't it enough for me to forget about A? Why does she have such a hold on me? She certainly isn't being ambivalent in her actions. It's all too clear just how little i mean to her.

So why can't i think so little of her?

candy & poison

i was going to write about the new Snickers bar that has nutritional value, but it seems banal in light of how i am feeling.

i shouldn't assume, but it looked as though A was making a special dinner again last night, for a date. Wednesdays used to be her Gillian's night.

What i wouldn't have given to have her cancel a Gillian's night to do something special with me. But, that was asking too much. Each day i realize more and more that i just was not worth it to her.

old churches, new light

i wish i could attend another church, but i am involved in this one so much and really like it.

But, now that it's summer and some services are held at the old church, i have to sit and look at the altar where she and i spoke vows... and all i recall from that time is not being able to look away from her, her hair ringed with flowers, her simple yet amazingly striking dress falling to the floor, her face colored with smiles. And then sitting together for the remainder of the service, holding hands.

i had seen her many times over the previous two years, but never this new.

File under RBP

If there any advantages to having to move because of divorce (and believe me, there are no real advantages) it's getting rid of the crap you accumulate throughout life.

i have lugged around notebooks from junior high and high school for almost 30 years. This past week i sat down and poured over them, and found something surprising: they weren't worth lugging around for two years let alone 30.

All of my "poetry" is so banal and typically teenage angst ridden i cringe having to read it. Too many references to masks, being non-conformist, hating jocks... if any of those themes would make a good poem, it might make ONE good poem. They do not make 200 hundred good poems, as i thought they would when i knew everything.

Some were saved... for every 50 that were thrown away, i kept one because it may have potential, or because it said something about my view of the world at that time. i guess at one time i thought all would be collected in my complete works, and if i were a published writer would pay anything to keep those under wraps.

Sorry to all the girls i had crushes on and who anonymously received my "poems" at that time. i wrote those girls off as not understanding me. i now know they understood good poetry versus really bad poetry.

So, with my room mate gone i am finding items that have lingered too long, like milk.

Last week i opened the fridge and saw three cartons of milk. The first, closest to the front, i removed and checked the date: May 23, 2008. Too old, i poured it down the sink. i then removed the second one: April 18, 2008. Down the sink.

The third and last one didn't seem promising, but i looked anyway and found it was from March- doesn't matter which day in March, still way too old. Down the sink.

A few days later, after i bought a new half gallon, i noticed a carton that i had missed to the side of the fridge. This one would surely be from June.

February 12, 2008.

it doesn't start with honesty

There is a bar on North Main Street in Providence called the Penalty Box. It always sounded like a gay bar, don't know why. Not that it matters.

Anyway, it's a fun little place with great beer. And seeing a showcase of good bands doesn't hurt, either. One of them, The Masons, put on a fucking incredible set. i have only seen them three times, but already i have songs of theirs that i cannot get out of my head.

A sorely needed diversion after having it out with A again; it was pointed out that i need to watch my anger, or the police will be called.

How can two people who shared so much be such strangers? I feel betrayed on so many levels i don't know where to start. The best place to start is to let it go... that isn't lost on me.

But knowing and doing are two completely different things. i feel like for most of my life i have known what to do, but doing it is challenge.

Water & Wine

i was afraid to attend this wedding on the Cape, as weddings were always a nice affirmation of our own marriage. What would they be as i go through a divorce?

In spite of this, it was a blast. This side of my family has always been trying for me, as i am not an outgoing person, as most of them are. However, i have always enjoyed the cousin who was being married and her brothers- they were the only reason i enjoyed visiting Syracuse as a child. Everyone was wonderful to me and included me.

i also met one of my cousin's friends, a nurse from Knoxville, TN. Recently divorced herself, she inspired me in my own situation. Outside of that, she was also a lot of fun and enjoyable.

Four glasses of Pinoit Noire also helped... the night became surreal, and for the first time in months the future didn't seem so painful.....life breathed again for me.

confession

i thought spending time on a date would make it seem real, our relationship. It didn't. You are a hell of a lot of fun, and beautiful, of course, but i am not sure we have something beyond that..... and the intimacy. At least from where i'm standing. i am pretty sure you don't see it that way.

Afraid to admit further that i needed you so much at a time when my marriage was weak that i created you into an ideal. You are ideal, just not my ideal.

i fear that A will always be my ideal.

To Be Rid of You

For almost three days it was much better. I cried only once a day, rather than the usual four or five. Today it all came back to me, and i can't help wishing i had had made very different decisions.

Although you still would have no room for me, i am embarrassed to admit i crave even a small piece of you, because you were not just a name, but a way of life for me.

You may ask yourself, 'How did i get here?'

I signed the papers today, so let the divorce wheels grind forward. Such a simple act, and yet so much sadness that comes afterward.

Well, it's what you want, and i have hurt you enough, so i guess by starting the process i start releasing you.

i will never tell you this to your face, but i will always be madly in love with you, as i was for eleven years.

can i play the phoenix¿

k****, i know that i am being unfair to you. Changing my mind, then changing it back. i would love to be able to say that i can get past how our relationship started, but i am not sure. i need time, that's all, time to walk through my past and find out where i went wrong eleven years ago,
why i fell in love with someone who could never love me back, why i never trusted her or myself, why we thought it a good idea to vow that love to one another, why we ever took it past two dates.

Believe me, i do not mean to be hurtful you, but i always knew that this was not going to be a happy experience. Not without considerable pain.

blanks

i know that i am being an ass, just as you must know that all of this hate is love in disguise.

i will work harder, but you probably don't trust my ability to do it- i don't blame you, your faith in me has been forever damaged.

Still, i say these things because i am trying to fill in blanks. The biggest blank? Why you gave me only three weeks and then jumped into a serious committed relationship with someone else. Even your admission that you know it was a mistake doesn't make me feel better.

And because i am being unfair to you, the lawyers will do the talking. It will get ugly, just like i always knew it would.

Isn't amicable divorce an oxymoron?

anger as an energy II

i wish i could see you without having to be so angry. It is not my desire to carry this much animosity towards you, but will stay as long as you leave me to guess why i was so easily eradicated from your life.

i promise i will not always be so angry, but cannot promise if i will ever like you.

Thankful

i have amazing friends and family. They have gone out of their way to call me, spend time with me, be a companion during this horrible time. I cannot not do enough in return, and they have been so wonderful i am not sure i need to "pay" them back, which is often what i feel.

Thank you to everyone who has taken me for drinks, invited me to their homes for meals, gone to movies and just listened as i go on and on about my failed marriage.

Divorce unfortunately draws lines, and i am glad that i have these people willing to cross over to my side.

Yesterday, at work, a co-worker asked me what happened to my marriage. I have been asked this several times, never really knowing what to say.

I asked her, "Have you ever been madly in love with someone, cared for them deeply, and not had it returned?" She said yes. "Now imagine that you're married to that person."

"And then you make the mistake of seeking it elsewhere."

therapy?

I like my therapist okay. It's the first time i have worked with a male, and it took some getting used to, especially when he suggested we wrestle.

Not really. The one thing that bothers me about him is he keeps the top two buttons unbuttoned on his shirts. Really, the top one is enough, but i guess he likes that little extra sumthin sumthin to be seen.

i know it's elitist of me, but i am always surprised when i meet an educated, successful person and they have that one fashion flaw, too many buttons unbuttoned, a fanny pack or white nylons with brown shoes.

waking

The mornings always trick me.

i get past waking up and realizing i am not in my own bedroom, and then i get past the moment where i look to put my wedding ring back on after i shower.

It's the driving to work that does it. It affords me a metal cocoon where i keep screaming that i am sorry, but the anger turns to weeping. Then prayers to whomever will listen, asking them to take you out of me.

A pill for everything

You can tell that A is currently in counseling.

The first indicator was when she suddenly told me i have been depressed for years. Then i was "narcissistic", then "making myself the victim."

What does she think beyond what her counselors say? It's just more convenient for her to rationalize her actions by hiding behind these words.

i am not a victim, you are not a victim, the only victim is what we used to have.

i went to counseling to find out what is wrong with how i relate, and you went to counseling to find out what is wrong with how i relate. i am so tired of a politically correct world that diagnoses passion as a disorder, medicates and hospitalizes. Even you, A, don't understand how much you meant to me... that action was sickness, it was the culmination of loving too much.

Oops, you better adjust my meds.

simplifying

i thought that now since divorce is imminent that i could give myself to her freely. So, we planned another overnight, second one in a month, and enjoyed each other immensely.

When i left for my drive home, i was nagged by a feeling of needing to get away from there... maybe her. i was not even three minutes into the trip when sadness set in and tears came furiously.

Can i not spend time with her without remembering that I destroyed my marriage, and how everyday i wish i could take it back?

So, i ended it once again; it feels right. i still cannot reconcile the person i was who acted so carelessly with a married woman; i want to say it wasn't me, but my soul knows otherwise.

The remains of a romantic dinner

We all know how complex the brain is. One day you feel you're moving away from the person whose love plagues you, the next day you're crying uncontrollably as you pack up a box.

i cannot believe how fast it all went, how quickly you abandoned us. It makes sense on so many levels- you really weren't all that invested in us, just what i could do for you.

Looking around this house, i see everything i did for us, all of us, and feel that all you see what your last relationship gained for you.

hobbies

Why can i not explain myself, this sorrow within me, to people, most of all the professionals i now have to deal with because of "the incident"?

Instead, i find myself at the counselor's office, answering his banal questions and comments, said in some sort of Midwestern drawl combined with a grandfatherly tone.

"Do you feel like hurting yourself?" No (yes).

"Do you have a hobby? Some people find after a divorce that they have new interest in a hobby." Oh my fucking god, how can a collection of Hummels ever compete with an 11 year love? That just doesn't make sense: replace the object of your affection with a hobby.

You were my hobby, my passion, my life, and no amount of vinyl or guitar lessons will replace that.

Anger is an energy

i guess hating you is better therapy than i could have imagined. What used to be a belief that you did not understand me i now understand is willful disregard. It has always been about you, hasn't it?

Well, no more. i do not need you to make me happy, i do not need you as a friend, i do not need you at all. i wish we didn't have children connecting us, as i would love to never see you again.

Still, we are bound through them, their schooling, graduations, weddings, etc. so i will make do. People tell me i will soften and become friends with you again, and while anger can stay alive for only so long i can easily inspire it again when i think about how little you care for the time you spend with people. Or at least the time with me.

And it is only because i am still filled with so much love for you that i need to replace every molecule with anger.

i find your philosophies on love interesting- probably the most you ever shared in our 11 years together, and i had to read it on MySpace. And you're wrong about people using love to change; love changes all of us, for good and bad.

An unameable lust

Not quite a week ago i indulged a side of me that, in the past, i had only glimpsed.

i left A's house in so much despair after seeing her "friend" with an overnight bag, clearly intending to stay the night, i drove to my temporary home filled with nausea. Sleep wouldn't come, just thoughts of the stupid mistakes i had made,costing me my marriage, my family. Then, euphoria came with the realization that i had a choice, i didn't have to feel all of this anymore if i didn't want to.

i needed to leave before time moved me further away from what we used to be.

Reading Anne Sexton's "Wanting to Die", it finally made sense in a way it had never before, although i have read it over a hundred times. i was the happiest i had been in weeks, and clear. So, i composed an e-mail to A, cc'd it to family and friends, and drove to the J****town Bridge.

Surprisingly, the clarity stayed with me; i had expected doubt to set in on the drive. Not until i reached the top and stepped up to the railing did i look down and pause. What if i only break a few bones and then suffer until hypothermia set in?

I told myself that i could easily return and send out an e-mail taking it back, but that didn't feel honest.

So i bought a bottle of water, downed all of the Lexapro I had in the car and cut my wrists, very clear in my mind that these actions were honest. It took too long... even blocking my exhaust pipe didn't work. i figured that this was a sign that i wasn't supposed to die that night, so promptly took myself to a hospital.

Four days in a locked ward i met people who had lost their homes, had no friends or family, no job. Mental Health is not something easily fixed with medication and therapy. i have to say that A was amazing the first day, staying with me until i was admitted. At times i looked at her and she looked at me with such love i was confused, and momentarily believed we might have a chance.

It was short lived. Two days later she shared another side of her that I never thought her capable of: cruel. Turns out, her relationship with R started three weeks after she told me to leave the house. So, while she told me to be patient and wait until we could work it out, she began another relationship. i am so sick, like it's all starting over again.

i wish i had succeeded that night, but now that i have promised everyone never to do it again, it's an option that's been taken away from me.

fruitless searches

I just searched Google for information on time travel. Although ludicrous, I'd hoped that a link would come up for people who just want to travel a couple of months back... it's not that far way, is it?

But getting further and further....

Still Here

You called yesterday and invited me to dinner on Monday; you were clearly upset.

This single action lifted the paralyzing numbness I had had since leaving you a few hours earlier. I know that this means you care, even though we may never be together as husband and wife again.

It means so much to me that you want to spend time with me... I couldn't bear not having you in my life after ten and a half years of it.

Not seeing around corners

My god, I don't know what happened. The separation seemed like a good thing at the time, a way to sort out the confusion and get back to what really mattered.

But, here I am, in pain, a pain I have never felt before. In counseling, when I asked how I could be so sure in the beginning and now become unfrozen, it was suggested that I am self destructive: I don't deserve anything good, and in my actions I will make sure that I don't have anything good.

I fucking hate that other woman.... I know it's just as much my fault, if not more, but I have so much anger towards myself I need to share it. How could I have been so shortsighted?

(from later in the day)

i am in so much pain that ending it seems like the only way to stop hurting. if i do end up doing so, please understand this: i reminded myself that i have two little girls who love and need me, as I understand I have family and friends who do as well. However, those are not enough to stop the action, which, at times, seems almost involuntary. Driving to the nearest bridge and jumping is, in my mind right now, as normal as going to my next meeting, stopping by the grocery store, or going home.

Suicides are not conscious of who they are leaving behind, just what: a pain so deep it cannot be located anywhere on the body, but emanates from every part, dulling all outside information.

Thinking as it's raining

What a miserable, rainy, cold Monday.

My problem is i want the perfect love story.

i don't want to spend every waking moment with the other person, but when we do spend time together i want it to crackle with electricity. i want to think of her throughout the day and feel my heart beat as the moment approaches when we'll see each other. And i want to spend well into my seventies holding hands with her, not in a jaded manner.

A was all of those things, and i wish she were still. My heart still skips a beat when i see her. i'll have to train it to stop doing that.

Too little, too late

Yup, it was a mistake, my transgression. It took me almost a month to realize it, but I now wish that I hadn't said "yes" to her that Easter Eve. Perhaps our marriage would still end, but not because I had to act so selfishly, with so much disregard for you, for us.

This mourning is most times unbearable; I have never wailed so deeply as I have this past week, like all of my love for you is pouring out.

a good idea?

Two weeks in and it feels like the time is allowing us space to evaluate our marriage. Sure, much of it is the same... i am here so much with the girls that i fool myself that i have gone back in time and not made the mistake that lead us here.

What i did is not a symptom. Regardless of any issues that may have existed, it does not justify my selfishness. Still, i cannot escape certain truths, such as the completeness of being wanted sexually and emotionally by another woman.

Everyone tells me you love me, that you're committed to me, and while i know that intellectually, i am not sure i know it emotionally.

i am not sure that your committed to anything having to do with me.

when the levy breaks

Unfortunately, i am the type of person who sees the train coming but still wonders what will happen when it runs into me, no matter how many times i have been run over.

i cannot tell if the indifference is motivated by indecision, or the fact that i know the answer but want the other person to decide for me.

When my wife told me to leave the house last night, i felt as though it was more of the latter. i know that i care for her very much - she is my soul mate- but i am somewhat relieved to be free of the pendulum that is her love hovering above me.

i am tired of not being cared for as a spouse and seeing other passions replace me.... and i am just as upset at having to leave my girls and not see them everyday.

Still, as i lay in a broken bed in a low end motel in town, i had only one thought: i am so sorry that i am such an asshole.

The View from Upside Down

This recent..... drama in my marriage has set everything on its head (the Monkees revelation notwithstanding).

i am sure that i am in love with her, but need her to be sure of me as well. The other woman, while insignificant, seemed to be a light shed on some very real downfalls in our marriage.

i would like to buy a pair of red maracas

While my daughter was playing with a maraca last night, I was reminded of one of my favorite "Monkees" episodes, where Davey buys a set of maracas, only to find himself caught up in a world of espionage. There was a microfilm stored in one of the maracas meant for a Russian spy.

My thoughts then wandered to that fact that all four Monkees are still alive, but two Beatles are dead. I then realized I will be much more upset when a Monkee passes away, than when the two remaining Beatles do.

Man, that's embarrassing.

infidel

i arrived home to find out my wife read all my e-mails, and knows. Her first question was, "Do you love me?" i didn't hesitate for a second, and said that i did; i do, very, very much.

i am blessed to be with a woman who is amazingly beautiful, creative, intelligent, fun, interesting.... so why did i do this, if i had so much to lose? There it is, the riddle of the ages. Why does anyone do anything?

In hindsight, i wish i had said that me loving her wasn't the point; the point was whether she loved me or not.

So now we're in a kind of limbo... she let me know that she will be angry for sometime, but in that indicates there is a future. i think. Some days i am not sure i would blame her for leaving me, but for now it's wait and see.

Traveling

i am fortunate enough to have job that takes me away every once in awhile to beautiful places. Right now, my co-workers and i are in Islemorada in the upper Keys, staying in a house on the water. For a human services company, this is a pretty good perk, although it will be ending as the political climate in our state is such that funding will be cut. While it saddens me to be taken away from my family a couple of times a year, it is a very nice aspect of the job, giving us a place to work that is isolated from our everyday surroundings and focus on planning and execution.

But, the nights are the hardest. Something about that time of the day that evokes a slight melancholy, brought on by missing my family. And then this other issue, longing for her.

For every second i spend thinking about her is a second taken from my wife. And while we may not be the most romantic married couple in the world, we are very good friends and i regret treating a friend this way.

My black and white view of the world frames it into choosing either a ideal view of love, where the two people are destined for one another and one another alone. The second is considerably less rosy, that people just find people and commit for as long as one, or both desires, that there is nothing in the universe influencing it.

i am sure it falls somewhere in between, or perhaps i am neglecting the fact that there are many more paths. i just wish that i could stop traveling and just arrive.

i just can't shake my own path, where i had dreamed of a woman for years, always angelic, with long blond hair. When I met A, i knew she had been the one that had been in my head for years, and that it wasn't just a fantasy. Her inattention to us over the years makes me wonder otherwise.

So much for principles

After my initial moral rescuing, i have decided to head down a very, very different path.

I continued communicating with that woman, and the tone has become more than friendship. At first I convinced myself that it was a distraction from my marriage, already taking on water and lilting, but i have turned a corner that puts me at a moral quandary.

The first descent was sharing things about my own marriage, therefore violating the trust I have with my wife. Then it was sharing with her what ways i am attracted to her. The final cut in my moral shield was last Thursday.

While instant messaging, we started discussing adult movies. i recommended a movie to her (Zazel- for porn, it's not bad, especially for someone like me that has a love/hate relationship with it). She then indicated that she was researching it as we spoke, and then i opened the door by making a comment about how she was researching.

Her comments about research sounded pointed, and i responded in kind, but we all know how the written word is hard to interpret, so i may have totally misread it.

Still, i threw it out there and she bit, and the conversation went beyond the friendship boundary again.

It sent me into a tailspin, because i enjoyed it immensely as though we were true partners, something i hadn't counted on. What had started as a harmless little infatuation with a young woman seemed to be leading into something much more emotional.

i also realized that by taking this next step i have seriously damaged my relationship with my wife, and, although i truly questioned at the time whether or not our marriage would survive through our recent tumult, i still do not feel justified in my actions in any way.

i immediately tried to distance myself from this woman, and she knew it, but it's so stupidly enjoyable.

What makes things worse is just before i left on a business trip, my wife came to me in the sweetest, most loving way and we enjoyed the best night together in a long time. Of course, i know what i have to do, but am being selfish, and lost.

i never imagined that i could be such a person.

love agnostic

i feel like this waiting is worthless. You make sure that i know that i "am a priority, but so is the theatre." There was never a question in my mind that the theatre is important to you- the question has always been how important are we to you.

i second guess myself daily, wondering if i am asking too much of you- should marriage be this passive, weak investment of the relationship?

i am answered by the passion that swells with seeing you apply your make up in the bathroom, knitting on the couch, talking with the girls.

i wish that you felt the same about me, that i provoked something similar in you.

Hi, infidelity!

i have never been able to figure out why i am so bothered by infidelity in movies, TV shows or the lives of people i know. I suppose a first year psych student would say it's because I do not trust myself, but while I feel there is an element of that to it, there's something more.

A woman i used to work with e-mailed me a couple of days ago inviting me to join her while she attended a seminar in Massachusetts. i have been attracted to her for a few years, and it was clear that this could have been the culmination of that, but while i may have been flirtatious (something I do a very bad job at), it doesn't mean i wanted anything more than friendship. When the tenor of the e-mails headed in the "more than friends" direction, i addressed it head on. Her next e-mail conveyed that she was glad it was out in the open. By not beating around the bush, i avoid heading down a path i have mistakenly have traveled in the past.

Part of me craves her attention- i tell myself that it although my wife is drawing further away from our marriage, it is not an excuse to indulge this other woman. It has its conflict: in two past serious relationships, the potential for an affair came up and I passed on them for the sake of the relationship. Once those relationships ended, i found that my girlfriends were not as principled as i had been, which angered me to no end. I spent months, if not years, regretful that i did not just do it when the opportunities presented themselves.

Marriage is different, however. We're not just boyfriend and girlfriend, but husband and wife. And while at times my wife does not feel those roles carry the same weight that i do, i do not want to disrespect her.