before i draw nearer to that stone to which you point

i know that it is a theme i have spoken tiresomely here, but the heavy cloak of dreams descended upon me again last night.

As is always the case, the images are simple and mundane: me in ExA's "basement" doing some task for her, ExA walking the Land and the Sea to school. As is always the case, their hangover is complex and painful....i awoke with the feeling of having just separated from ExA.

i was awakened by the little feet of the Land and Sea coming into my room, leaping into my bed, our morning ritual. Not satisfied with the message of sadness given to me during the night, the universe then put a fine point on it: as the Sea sat in my bed, she started to call me by ExA's current boyfriend's name. She laughed it off, but i knew.

IT is inevitable, i have known it all this time that it is but have been influenced by charlatans who want to believe that passion can be dulled, that time wears away the sharp edges of loss. i know what i am supposed to do.. it will wait until February.

While at a playground in Florida, i was pushing my grand-niece (!!) on a swing and a young girl, about 9 years old, was sitting on a nearby swing. She was wearing a skirt and shirt that hinted at adulthood and boots, an outfit that looked out of place on a playground. She started talking with me as though i had been part of the conversation for years- a southern thing? As i listened to her, i realized she was wearing heavy eye makeup. Her topics were general 9 year old stuff, but then she went into this:

"My momma said we're gonna when she finds a good man, but good men are hard to find. She can't find a good man, she tries, but there ain't none out there."

It was both amusing and disturbing at the same time.

majik kingdom

Not posting regularly is death for a blog, but i have been too busy. Not that i don't get that nagging feeling about having to post, but it's not unlike the nagging guilt i had (have?) because of growing up Catholic.

The Land & the Sea and I went to Disneyworld last week. i had been planning the trip for months, and once we were on the plane, i had sudden concern that it was a bad idea going with one adult. i fear i am not as patient as i should be, and know that a trip like this demands greater patience than usual. Within a day, my fears were alleviated- it was better than i could have planned. We had moments of stress, to be expected given the long days walking around parks and eating junk food, but overall it was fun, and magical, to use a cliche. Even the Land, usually stoic, skipped as we walked through the parks and smiled when encountering the characters.

We also visited my brother and sister-in-law. Seeing them, especially my sister-in- law, creates anxiety in me because of a conflict we had years ago over something i said. She is very sweet, and i am sure she holds no grudge, but it still causes me to be very cautious about what i say. In spite of that, it went well and i am glad that the Land & Sea were able to see and be seen by them.

The Land & the Sea left them with this: they were commenting to my brother and sister-in-law as we were leaving that they missed their home. My sister-in-law then asked if they liked my house, and the Land replied, "I meant our REAL home."

That stayed with me for a few hours...not sure i am fully over it.