Not seeing around corners

My god, I don't know what happened. The separation seemed like a good thing at the time, a way to sort out the confusion and get back to what really mattered.

But, here I am, in pain, a pain I have never felt before. In counseling, when I asked how I could be so sure in the beginning and now become unfrozen, it was suggested that I am self destructive: I don't deserve anything good, and in my actions I will make sure that I don't have anything good.

I fucking hate that other woman.... I know it's just as much my fault, if not more, but I have so much anger towards myself I need to share it. How could I have been so shortsighted?

(from later in the day)

i am in so much pain that ending it seems like the only way to stop hurting. if i do end up doing so, please understand this: i reminded myself that i have two little girls who love and need me, as I understand I have family and friends who do as well. However, those are not enough to stop the action, which, at times, seems almost involuntary. Driving to the nearest bridge and jumping is, in my mind right now, as normal as going to my next meeting, stopping by the grocery store, or going home.

Suicides are not conscious of who they are leaving behind, just what: a pain so deep it cannot be located anywhere on the body, but emanates from every part, dulling all outside information.

Thinking as it's raining

What a miserable, rainy, cold Monday.

My problem is i want the perfect love story.

i don't want to spend every waking moment with the other person, but when we do spend time together i want it to crackle with electricity. i want to think of her throughout the day and feel my heart beat as the moment approaches when we'll see each other. And i want to spend well into my seventies holding hands with her, not in a jaded manner.

A was all of those things, and i wish she were still. My heart still skips a beat when i see her. i'll have to train it to stop doing that.

Too little, too late

Yup, it was a mistake, my transgression. It took me almost a month to realize it, but I now wish that I hadn't said "yes" to her that Easter Eve. Perhaps our marriage would still end, but not because I had to act so selfishly, with so much disregard for you, for us.

This mourning is most times unbearable; I have never wailed so deeply as I have this past week, like all of my love for you is pouring out.

a good idea?

Two weeks in and it feels like the time is allowing us space to evaluate our marriage. Sure, much of it is the same... i am here so much with the girls that i fool myself that i have gone back in time and not made the mistake that lead us here.

What i did is not a symptom. Regardless of any issues that may have existed, it does not justify my selfishness. Still, i cannot escape certain truths, such as the completeness of being wanted sexually and emotionally by another woman.

Everyone tells me you love me, that you're committed to me, and while i know that intellectually, i am not sure i know it emotionally.

i am not sure that your committed to anything having to do with me.