astronomical

The compromise of attempting to end a relationship: travel more, alone. Be alone, more.

Finally heading back to Vermont tomorrow...only two days, but I'll take it. Don't know where i am going, where i am staying, what i am doing.

(Liar. Hiking Equinox Trail. But no definite start or end time.)

Heaven!

had sappy

The National's song Sorrow opens with the verse:

"sorrow found me when i was young
sorrow waited, sorrow won."

i have been thinking lately about where my love of music came from, particularly of melancholy music. One of my earliest memories is listening to 45's with my neighbors, brothers Mike, Tom and Jim. It was were their older sister's records and plastic turntable; i don't remember the color, but given that it was 1974, it was probably gaudy with flowers. We sat cross legged on the floor playing each one, and immediately Seasons in the Sun connected with me. i wanted to stay there listening to it over and over, but their impatience won out. That Christmas, I nagged my mom for the current K-Tel collection, "Dynamite," which contained Seasons in the Sun.

Each time new music came to me, i was drawn to whichever song was introspective, sad: The Monkee's I Wanna Be Free, Cat Steven's How Can I Tell You, Simon & Garfunkel's El Condor Pasa, and so on. That is not to say that i did not- do not- love other songs by artists, just that i found myself playing their saddest songs repeatedly. And, i can indulge in Boom Boom Pow or Wannabe as well as the next guy.

The music has grown with me, as has the art and literature. i feel myself growing that way- solitary, internal- not necessarily sad, but there are those that would argue their connection- just listening. Sitting at a conference table at work, standing in line at the mall, ordering a beer in a noisy nightclub.....all of it is just sitting cross legged on a floor, not wanting to move, absorbing the lyrics about someone committing suicide. And seeing the happiness in it.

water

Often, when i get a glass of water, especially after manual labor, the taste-in site of what others say, there is a taste- is like a perfect harmony, or a night sky that resembles a painting. It has some connection to that which makes our soul sing.

The second thought i have is how fortunate i am to live in a country where potable water is plentiful, and wonder what it must be like to have to replenish a water supple each day with a trip to the nearest source. This appreciation is an ongoing awakening occurring within me regarding modern conveniences.

Lately find myself wanting to live simply. It started with owning less and less, whether it be clothing, knick knacks, kitchen utensils. That has grown over time to this fairly radical fantasy of wanting to be almost homeless: living out of a van, obtaining day to day just what is needed for that moment. It's not that this fantasy is unattainable financially- i have a decent 401k that would be gutted by penalties if i were to cash it in, and a home to sell that would bring in a good profit- but grapple with the fallout of the decision. In short, that i am separating myself from the rest of the world.

It is challenging to see that same people day to day, even friends and loved ones. There has always been something very appealing about interacting with others on my own terms- strangers allow this luxury, as no stranger, with a balanced mind, expects intimate conversation. So i fantasize about this scenario, or occasionally a worse one (zombie apocalypse) that forces this scenario on me.

One can dream.