mu

i have never been interested in getting a tattoo. i am interested in tattoos, as there are so many good ones. My ex-wife has a friend who has incredible tattoos, and it was seeing those that piqued my initial interest in appreciating them as art. Still, i never wanted one.

Until my attempt and needing to record it somehow. At first it was going to be literal, but the more i thought about that the more i feared how gruesome it may look. i did not want something that screamed "I eat your brains!" or "I live punk rock!" It made sense to do something more representative and also remind me of A, who went to school for bio-medical illustration.

It's not fantastic, but it will do. At least i don't have to look at those two scars anymore.

big cities and the superheroes that love them

i imagine living in a big city gives a lot more fodder for blogs. If not writing about my wonderful divorce, i am at a loss s as to what to write. One of my favorite blogs is by a woman who lives in San Francisco- her blog is the funniest thing i have read in the last two years. She rarely lacks for posts, and her writing style is hilarious.

i will say that i did not love The Dark Knight. It was very good, but it need editing and Christian Bale's husky Batman voice started to irritate me about three quarters of the way through the film. Heath Ledger definitely did an amazing job... i wanted to see more Joker and less Batman.

closer

This is the best explanation i have heard or read:

"Suicide is not about problems, everyone has problems and many people triumph over adversity. Suicide is about PAIN and CONTROL. When you feel that you have no control over your pain, that the pain will never stop or get better, that is when suicide looks like a way to gain control and end the pain. Calling it depression diminishes the real, raw, tearing power of the pain one feels constantly, endlessly with no hope of it ever getting better or going away. It is an insanity that drags you into a black hole and you know that no matter what anyone says or does, you will stay in that black hole forever. Sometimes suicide is the bravest thing that one can think of to do for one's self. At that point, one is not thinking of those who are left behind or how those people will feel. The world of torture has become to insulated for those concerns. It equates to asking a person to take time to consider the consequences of what they are doing when they are already plunging down the cliff at 200 miles an hour. "

I would add that suicide is the ultimate contradiction: you end your life so you can live, because continuing to live is to be dead.

Again, i ask, why can't you be removed from me? i am tired, and just want to sleep.

i spent time last night with a friend i hadn't seen in over ten years. He has been divorced for five years and his insights were timely. When i left him, i felt as if a weight had been lifted slightly off my shoulders, like i was being assisted in carrying this useless boulder of love/pain/sadness.

i wish i kept in better touch with people. It's amazing what you gain from others, what is offered you, from past friends and new friends.

And there are past friends who just exist, who you'd love to share with but because it never worked in the past, it will never work now.

a candy so sweet

Thank god K is out of my life... i waited too long to end it, and wished i had stuck to it after the first time, March 7. Still, i am selfish and the lure of someone wanting you completely is a very potent drug.

Now i can devote all of my time and energy to watching minutes pass, each one bringing a memory so sharp an hour leaves me in shambles.

And from there it is just one small step to finishing the job i failed at in May.... as much as the lure of being desired is strong, the draw to stop time completely and preserve all that was good is that much stronger and subtler.

wandering as a cloud

The days are just lonely. Especially after i take the girls home- their home, the one that screams "Not yours!"

Everything that is not mine looms over me day in and day out. i know what i want to do, the one thing that is mine, but cannot, being a man of my word.. which makes me laugh, because if i was a man of my word i wouldn't be in this situation.

i know what i have, and am very thankful for it, but why isn't it enough for me to forget about A? Why does she have such a hold on me? She certainly isn't being ambivalent in her actions. It's all too clear just how little i mean to her.

So why can't i think so little of her?

candy & poison

i was going to write about the new Snickers bar that has nutritional value, but it seems banal in light of how i am feeling.

i shouldn't assume, but it looked as though A was making a special dinner again last night, for a date. Wednesdays used to be her Gillian's night.

What i wouldn't have given to have her cancel a Gillian's night to do something special with me. But, that was asking too much. Each day i realize more and more that i just was not worth it to her.