So much for principles

After my initial moral rescuing, i have decided to head down a very, very different path.

I continued communicating with that woman, and the tone has become more than friendship. At first I convinced myself that it was a distraction from my marriage, already taking on water and lilting, but i have turned a corner that puts me at a moral quandary.

The first descent was sharing things about my own marriage, therefore violating the trust I have with my wife. Then it was sharing with her what ways i am attracted to her. The final cut in my moral shield was last Thursday.

While instant messaging, we started discussing adult movies. i recommended a movie to her (Zazel- for porn, it's not bad, especially for someone like me that has a love/hate relationship with it). She then indicated that she was researching it as we spoke, and then i opened the door by making a comment about how she was researching.

Her comments about research sounded pointed, and i responded in kind, but we all know how the written word is hard to interpret, so i may have totally misread it.

Still, i threw it out there and she bit, and the conversation went beyond the friendship boundary again.

It sent me into a tailspin, because i enjoyed it immensely as though we were true partners, something i hadn't counted on. What had started as a harmless little infatuation with a young woman seemed to be leading into something much more emotional.

i also realized that by taking this next step i have seriously damaged my relationship with my wife, and, although i truly questioned at the time whether or not our marriage would survive through our recent tumult, i still do not feel justified in my actions in any way.

i immediately tried to distance myself from this woman, and she knew it, but it's so stupidly enjoyable.

What makes things worse is just before i left on a business trip, my wife came to me in the sweetest, most loving way and we enjoyed the best night together in a long time. Of course, i know what i have to do, but am being selfish, and lost.

i never imagined that i could be such a person.