Not seeing around corners

My god, I don't know what happened. The separation seemed like a good thing at the time, a way to sort out the confusion and get back to what really mattered.

But, here I am, in pain, a pain I have never felt before. In counseling, when I asked how I could be so sure in the beginning and now become unfrozen, it was suggested that I am self destructive: I don't deserve anything good, and in my actions I will make sure that I don't have anything good.

I fucking hate that other woman.... I know it's just as much my fault, if not more, but I have so much anger towards myself I need to share it. How could I have been so shortsighted?

(from later in the day)

i am in so much pain that ending it seems like the only way to stop hurting. if i do end up doing so, please understand this: i reminded myself that i have two little girls who love and need me, as I understand I have family and friends who do as well. However, those are not enough to stop the action, which, at times, seems almost involuntary. Driving to the nearest bridge and jumping is, in my mind right now, as normal as going to my next meeting, stopping by the grocery store, or going home.

Suicides are not conscious of who they are leaving behind, just what: a pain so deep it cannot be located anywhere on the body, but emanates from every part, dulling all outside information.