As we lay together, i am moved by her beauty, which multiplies in the slivers of light that see through my bedroom windows. This feeling is familiar, tasting all that is beautiful, warm, spiritual. While i would like to believe it is because of Noire, it is not. i haven't taken medications in over two weeks, so all of their dampening is out of my system, allowing me to again experience the world in which came of age.
It is not all good; i find myself on the brink of tears more than one should. But they're not all because of ExA, and in this i am comforted.
When i see Seraph, all of her sweetness is amplified; i wonder if i made a mistake.
Cath contacts me cautiously at times; i love talking with her, and wonder if i made a mistake.
i then retreat into the world i share with ExA, the one she has no idea exists, the one i am ashamed to keep, and there, there is no wondering if i made a mistake.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Club
My 25th high school reunion is this year. i was involved in planning the 20th, which took a lot out of me because
A. Everyone was divided, almost evenly, as to what kind event it should be (a kid friendly day event or a night time drink fest?) and
B. When the day arrived, i looked around and saw that i had organized a reunion for a bunch of people i didn't care for in high school, and not much had changed.
So, i am participating in this one somewhat cautiously.
i wanted to run from the bar when they were still calling each other by the cute nicknames they had for each other then.... i didn't.
i assumed a runner's stance when they started sharing their stories about the times they partied together, or when they "slammed" four beers in their car before math class.
When they questioned the mental stability of a classmate who left angry words on Bacefook about another classmate who recently died, it was the starter pistol i was waiting for..... i knew how that other classmate felt, and was no fan of the one who had died.
My arms found the sleeves of my coat when one of my classmates asked me about our French teacher recently contacting us. His question and interaction with me was so personable, it was as if we were friends all through high school, although i barely remembered him. We exchanged jokes about how the French teacher was a blood hound, spending an inordinate amount of time finding our classmates.
At that point, it didn't matter that i wasn't part of their high school experience, nor were they part of mine; i realized how short sighted i had been seeing the rest of them as being one group with me outside, but on a second look realized that while a core of them had been close then, others there tonight were not, and that all of us had points in our high school past that intersected with one another in some way. And tonight we were there for the same purpose, which was to assemble the obligatory gathering that happens in every town in every state, and in that purpose we accepted one another, even made apologies through buying rounds of drinks.
i left at a little after 9 PM, with the Simple Minds' "Don't You Forget About Me" blaring in my ears, and raised my fist high in the cold night air on the way to my car.
Just kidding; that's stupid.
A. Everyone was divided, almost evenly, as to what kind event it should be (a kid friendly day event or a night time drink fest?) and
B. When the day arrived, i looked around and saw that i had organized a reunion for a bunch of people i didn't care for in high school, and not much had changed.
So, i am participating in this one somewhat cautiously.
i wanted to run from the bar when they were still calling each other by the cute nicknames they had for each other then.... i didn't.
i assumed a runner's stance when they started sharing their stories about the times they partied together, or when they "slammed" four beers in their car before math class.
When they questioned the mental stability of a classmate who left angry words on Bacefook about another classmate who recently died, it was the starter pistol i was waiting for..... i knew how that other classmate felt, and was no fan of the one who had died.
My arms found the sleeves of my coat when one of my classmates asked me about our French teacher recently contacting us. His question and interaction with me was so personable, it was as if we were friends all through high school, although i barely remembered him. We exchanged jokes about how the French teacher was a blood hound, spending an inordinate amount of time finding our classmates.
At that point, it didn't matter that i wasn't part of their high school experience, nor were they part of mine; i realized how short sighted i had been seeing the rest of them as being one group with me outside, but on a second look realized that while a core of them had been close then, others there tonight were not, and that all of us had points in our high school past that intersected with one another in some way. And tonight we were there for the same purpose, which was to assemble the obligatory gathering that happens in every town in every state, and in that purpose we accepted one another, even made apologies through buying rounds of drinks.
i left at a little after 9 PM, with the Simple Minds' "Don't You Forget About Me" blaring in my ears, and raised my fist high in the cold night air on the way to my car.
Just kidding; that's stupid.
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