memorial

Holiday weekends depress me.

With my defenses low, Noire appeared last night; i knew she would at some point, as she had been sending occasional texts over the last few weeks reminding me that she was broken hearted. As she sat in my living room, she told me that she came over to see if i would make out with her. Typical of her motives, she made it seem like it would be no big deal, hooking up, but i am an adult and no matter what she says i knew to engage was not right.

Nothing's been right for two years. i feel like an impostor in this world, wish i could resign. This mistake wouldn't add anymore, or less, to that.

capitulation

This is an open letter, since i know you read this blog.

I re-read an IM conversation we had in February 2008. In it, you made several statements about not wanting me to regret us, hate you- i told you that i wouldn't. But, as you well know, it's exactly what i did, even after fervently pursuing a relationship with you.

i am sorry for turning on you like that. i do not think we'll ever be friends again, but i now realize that my role was more active than i remembered, and in some ways i set you up.

Hope you're enjoying motherhood. as i always said, you deserve a chance to be a mom.

superfreak

Cath and i have been texting, meeting for tea and other things. i am fortunate that she is willing to spend time with me given how i treated her last October. She makes it clear that she has prepared herself for the fallout i.e. my emotional 180.

i am aware that it could take the same path as Noire, as with Seraph, but the optimist in me hopes not.

The realist in me chuckles cynically.

dark seas

Trying a new approach in therapy, EMDR; pretty good Wiki article here.

It's about time i move on, and navigating this muck is necessary to do so. Somewhat skeptical about it, but am trying to keep an open mind.

Anything that will free me from ExA.

routine

Here is another moment that is mundane in it's action, and yet so meaningful in it's context of life.

After a breakfast of a chocolate muffin and strawberries, The Sea's face was dirty, so I wet a paper towel to clean it. As i am washing, she's talking about her DS game, where she's at in the game, telling me all of this as i navigate the dark and red stains on her face, as if someone is always washing your face while you're talking. i love the obliviousness that children have at times, especially in contrast to the times they are ultra aware.

i had to laugh, and then feel a little bit sad for the day when i no longer need to clean her face.

returning to church

i had been thinking a lot about Cath, wondering if we would have lasted if i hadn't ended up in bed, and then a relationship, with Noire. i have been thinking about KT as well, but that is a post for another time.

i contacted her, and we met for tea. It was great to see her- i hadn't remembered as much about her as i thought i had, although i had just seen her in person last December and in a hundred pictures on Bacefook.

i asked outright about her marriage- she referred to it as a "complicated situation." Her husband had returned to the house but they were not living as a married couple. i was hesitant to carry anything further knowing this, given the emotional turmoil it creates in me.

Two days ago, we started sending sexual texts; that lead to conversation about whether or not we could share lust and nothing more.

Tomorrow, we will find out. You gotta sin to get saved.

Some Enchanted

i didn't expect The Sea to attend a dance until she was in middle school, let alone a father/daughter dance while in kindergarten.

That is where we found ourselves Saturday, at an Elk's Lodge in Wakefield. Complete with big elk's antlers at the door: i pointed them out to The Sea and her friend to prove the lodge's authenticity.

She practiced the Electric Slide for two weeks- mostly, because she likes to say "Cha-cha y'all."

She and her friends gathered around the dance floor, told secrets and giggled, occasionally locking hands to dance a few steps.

Her mother cued me to get her a corsage, for which i am thankful; it was a collection of pink flowers to match her hot pink and white skirt. The flowers wilted and started falling off a half hour into the dance.

The fathers all collected at the tables and along the walls, drinking tiny paper cups of apple juice, watching their daughters, from kindergarten up to fifth grade, grow years before their eyes. Occasionally we made small talk, stepped out into the cool spring night to escape the stifling air inside.

The Sea wanted to leave a little early, so she could roll down a grassy hill outside the building. i suppose i should have been more conscientious of the fact she was wearing a white outfit, but she laughed so much as she rolled that i hated to stop her.

Night was encroaching on the last bits of daylight as we left, hand in hand.

While i miss my marriage everyday, moments like this underline what i have lost not being able to share with her mother.