suzie Q

Today was a beautiful day here in Rhode Island.

Amidst that beautiful day, a great woman lay dying after battling cancer for over two years.

We worked together, but 12 years ago I realized we were more than co-workers, that i enjoyed her as a friend. i helped her move from a home in Jamestown to an apartment on Hope Street, then into a house with her then partner. i took care of her dogs and cat when they traveled to her house in upstate New York. When she split with her partner, and found another, she returned to Jamestown to live.

It was there that i saw her today, along with so many others who love her, as she lay in a bed, dying. After a year of good health, she took a turn for the worst... i am not sure there is anything more vindictive than cancer.

Of course, she was not there, it was not the woman who i knew over the years, the woman who, when i told her that i didn't wear a helmet while biking because it makes me look stupid, replied by saying: "Think of how stupid you'll look with a tube coming out of your trachea after you have a crash." i wore the helmet.

She taught me about a type of lesbian i had never heard of: Diesel Dykes.

She created a whole story around me working at a local department store, in the tire section, after seeing me retrieve my mail one day at an apartment i had that was behind one of the stores.

Most of all, she taught me about the most practical approach to supporting people with developmental disabilities: keep it simple. Honor what communication they choose to use, and build support around it.

Sleep peacefully, Susan. I'll see you on the other side.

spires

i christened her Cath, for cathedral, because of her eyes.

Cath and i have seen each other four times since returning from DC: three times in our cars, once at my home where we spent the entire day talking, touching and making love. i have fallen in love with her, and am somewhat angered, surprised by the fact that i can love again, but in a pleasantly mocking way. i check in with myself after telling her how much she means to me, how much i love her, and expect the backlash that occurred with KT (and others), the one where i realized i had made up affection for the other person, affection that i did not truly feel.

Each check in reveals sincerity; what do i do with this? It sucks because she is married and really doesn't want to change the life her kids have. At times i feel if left to her own devices, she will leave her marriage, and yet, that isn't a comforting thought. i do not want to be seen in the same way i see KT, as the ruination of something that seemed useless (my marriage) but in reality was just hibernating (the love). Even if Cath does not end up seeing me that way, she will go through so much pain that i am not sure a relationship can be built.

Mixed in this recipe is the maudlin encounters i have with ExA each Saturday when The Sea plays soccer. Her next one is there, and that concept of Bizzaro World weighs heavily in me. And she will still talk with me about aspects of her life as if we were married, whether it be her being contacted by her bio father's son or the fact that her back troubles are finally being diagnosed. i find it more Bizzaro that she confides these things to me, and have all i can do not to bluntly tell her that i do not need to fulfill that role anymore, that she relinquished me.

In the category of Things I Am Not proud Of, last night I spent time with my dear friend Metaphorman, and we were occasionally accompanied at times by his roommate and a friend of hers i have known peripherally, an attractive 30 year old who works for the company we do. We ended the night drinking at his house, until his roommate retired to bed and i said good night and left for home.

i was home ten minutes before he called me and told me to text the roommate's friend, that i was assured she'd fuck me. After being assured that he was not setting me up, i humored him, took her number and left it alone. He calls back five minutes later:

Metaphorman: I am telling you, she.will.fuck.you.

me: I don't know, i am really in love with Cath,....

Metaphorman: And she's at home, with her husband, probably fucking him, so why can't you?

Hard logic to refute.

i text her, innocuously ask if she is still at Metaphorman's. She replies that she is and that i should come back. i text, "okay..." and she replies, "Sounds good."

i am excited, hesitant and jaded, but i redress, hop in my car and return. Metaphorman is glad to see me, smiles as he shuts off all of the lights in his downstairs and indicates that she is in the guest bedroom. The bedroom is dark, and she's sleeping peacefully, and for a moment i debate just leaving.

i am 42 years old- this never happened to me in high school, college, ever. And while part of me wonders if i am pursuing this to make up for what my past lacked, it isn't that, it's the fact that i love a woman's taste, the heat of their skin, the delicateness of their lips, the whole symphony of pleasure that is sex, witnessing it first hand, seeing how far.

i slide into the bed, hoping that she will not awaken, and i will just watch her sleep, but in a few seconds she wakes, giggles about falling asleep and then starts kissing me. Immediately, the kissing is not what i enjoy- it's quick, sloppy and too much tongue; i take part like it will save my life. She is wearing her dress but without underwear, we caress, writhe, dance. Everything we do is the opposite of what i have found in Cath, and i remind myself that what this is has nothing to do with emotion, love, spirit.... i now know, for sure, after my year of sex with KT and a few other encounters the difference between sex and making love. i lie to myself that i do not enjoy sex without some sort of spiritual connection.

i cannot rise to the occasion, but she is understanding and allows me to explore her with my hands and tongue, enjoying it immensely. Then we talk about movies for an hour until i locate my clothing, dress and leave.

The town is dark and silent save the occasional car as i drive up route 1 to my home. Conflict rises in me, but is dismissed... it is what it is.

And i long for the love i had with ExA, when i believed in something special.

fantasy is life is fantasy

Life keeps unfolding for me, in ways that vacillate between disturbing and triumphant.

Six years ago, at a dinner with RI conference attendees in DC, i "connected" (don't care for that characterization) with a woman who i had known only peripherally. i was drawn to her because she is funny, lively, attractive, sunny, and reminded me a little of Daisy. We work in the same field, but at different companies.

The night was so special to me, i wrote a poem to remember it, and to work out why i felt so drawn to her. The subject of that poem came up last December and she was insistent that i send it to her, against my better judgment.

She replied via facebook, very superficially, and i thought no more about it. Before the DC trip this year, she sent me a message saying that our hotel had a rooftop bar and that maybe we could get a drink and she would explain her "oddly formal response" to my poem.

i didn't pursue her suggestion; in fact, since recognizing my attraction to her, i have kept myself in check. But two nights ago, she told me that she didn't know what the poem meant in terms of our relationship. i told her it didn't necessarily mean anything, that i just wrote it because i felt moved to capture our connection.

i had no idea as to where this would go, but as it became clear i embraced it fully. We were together until the early hours of the morning- i have survived the last two days on eight hours of sleep and the bliss that is born out of falling for someone.

Someone who is married.

i am dwelling on whether or not i am a bad person, for being with a married woman (again) an for being unfaithful to Seraph. Seraph has made it clear that she does not want a serious relationship, that we are not committed to anything, but regardless of what is logical, my heart doesn't feel any better.

And what started in DC didn't stay there- it followed me to back home because she is the first in two years who has shown me that ExA isn't an end.

lazurus? phoenix?

Counseling is focused around my hatred for ExA; the most progress i've made is bringing it down to a strong dislike. Now it's time to explore why i can't move on.

Most of the time i realize it's because of what i did with KT, how disrespectful it was to ExA, but i can't shake knowing that it was done not because i wasn't in love with ExA, but because she wasn't with me.

And how pointless all of this is, wondering what ExA thinks, keeping flowers at a grave no one else tends.

i am reading a book suggested by my counselor called "A Spiritual Divorce." Some of it is a little New Agey for me, but some of it is very insightful. Last night i read the section where you do an exercise of writing down the relationship from the perspective of your ex.

i will try it, but am very afraid to, because it will humanize her and that's the last thing i want is to empathize with her.

There are lights, small ones that become larger.

After months of dating, i am beginning to feel more affection for Seraph than i thought i would. The other night, we ended our date as we usually do, talking and kissing for hours. This time, touches and kisses were more intense, like communication. She held my hand and stroked it, and i felt as if i would cry.

i still hate it when someone is so tender to this ugliness that is me.