family room

When Noire moved in, i had had a passing thought about the fact that we should have a conversation regarding the future; specifically, marriage & children. Noire recalls that, on our first date, i made it clear that they were not in my future; i know it was early on, and like to think i was a bit more diplomatic than that. Instead, i brought it up in June as we lay in bed fatigued from making love. i had recently reneged on the marriage part, not because my faith in it was restored but because of her. i wanted to be with her every day. i asked her if children was something she still wanted- she had been unsure in the past- she said that she did. Unsure what to do with this information, i stopped talking. A few weeks ago she confronted me and asked point blank, and i told her that i didn't see more children in my future. i hadn't seen that side of her in awhile, the side where she goes from one to angry within seconds,and i was reminded of our tumultuous first year. She said she was going to move out, left crying, only to return a half hour later, calmer. Could i have another child? Yes. Do i want to? No. But isn't giving the person you love a gift as large as this what love is about, what it is at its core? My close friend, Sweetness, suggested i may become resentful of the child, the situation, if i do it out of obligation. i had thought of that, and fear she may be right. When i think our story is a foregone conclusion, something arises: some sweet word, some position of her body as she sleeps, and i feel in me that having a child with her would be wonderful.

a wax museum

I have a friend staying with me, and her husband, while they sort out some of her family stuff. This friend was at one time my girlfriend, for five years, through college; we broke up 22 years ago. She is the one i often refer to as Esme in this blog. Noire is very understanding, but i ask myself, does she need to be? Esme and i have been friends four times as long as we were lovers, and while a section of my heart will always be dedicated to her- she was my first love- it's as though it happened to someone else, as though i am reading a history book. i remember a lot about that five years, but the affection and love that weaved in and out is no longer within me, save that tiny piece of affection you reserve for the first person who your heart embraced. Esme is one of two i hope to always have as a friend, the second being Daisy, and many, many people have eyed me suspiciously over the years at remaining friends with exes. It is not as if i do it to maintain some principle, something to prove to myself who I can be. And i was relieved when it ended with ExA.