Aunt Kate

She was my favorite Aunt, the one whose skin was always tanned from the Florida sun, where they lived throughout the late sixties and seventies. Always had a big box of Mister Salty's in the bottom cupboard and didn't care if i took handfuls to eat- her warm, sweet smile was always welcoming, non-judgmental. Not all of her siblings were like this, unfortunately.

Her disposition became extraordinary to me later in life when she maintained it after losing two sons, one in his twenties and another in his thirties. In spite of this unimaginable pain- it is my greatest fear, losing one of my girls- she carried on and did not let bitterness guide her.

My search for a Zen lifestyle, for spiritual contentment, will take a note from her book.

and they're all mine, BWhahahah! Well, half mine....

Just to see The Land & The Sea become better sisters and friends goes beyond my best expectations. Last week at church, while sitting in front of the altar listening to the children's' homily (watered down so they'll drink it in, the sheep that they are), The Land leaned over and hugged The Sea, who was acting goofy to make The Land laugh.

Later that morning, I told The Land how sweet it was that she hugged her sister. She replied,

"I was trying to hurt her."

Now ain't that sweet? Sociopath in the making.

i saw my love with pretty boy

i should expect by now that he will be with you and the girls more and more. Still, seeing him in the passenger seat hurts so much, i can only ask...

How can i be so forgotten?

Holloween

Last weekend ExA mentioned to me that I could go Trick or Treating with them if i wanted to. Immediately i told her that i will come by and see them but that i cannot go out with them.... pretending to be a family again would take a week of recovery (i didn't tell her that part).

She looked confused momentarily, then accepted it. She understands, for the most part.

My psych med counselor, or, The Best Nurse Practitioner in the World, as i have come to know her, asked, "Why would she think that that was okay to ask?"

If i could answer that, i'd probably still be married. Still, i tried.

"Because for her, life goes on, no matter what someone else might be feeling."

hate begets hate

i had started another blog about how much i hate right wing radio, but it's been dormant for so long i hesitate to keep it up. However, i haven't lacked for comments, just the drive to write about them... happens when you lose the love of your life.

In particular, two local talk show hosts piss me off: Dan Yorke and Matt Allen. First of all, they are the typical angry white male who is right wing because he mis-perceives what the rest of humanity is trying to do- give equal rights to all- and takes it as an affront to his manhood or whiteness. But what really gets me is how both equate feminist or effeminate characteristics with weakness.

Yorke recently referred to those caught in the banking crisis who are not being held responsible by the media for accepting mortgages they couldn't afford as the "feminization" of America. I guess that is to imply no one is manly enough to blame them. Allen often effects a stereotypical gay tone when he wants to underscore something that is weak, or not brave. Both of these are so hateful towards women and gays it's infuriating.

Especially given that I know many women and gay men that are much stronger than some men i know.

caring by proxy

It's amazing the scare you can create by requesting a shovel and then burying something. Believe, if and when i decide to off myself, i will think of something much more effective then self burial.

And i think it's hilarious how you contact my friends and ask them to check in on me. You can't be bothered to care, so you assign it to someone else... like when we're were married.

Just fucking leave me alone.

for K****, forever ago

You may want to believe i like breaking hearts- i don't. i just can't give you what you want, and while i am sorry for that, it doesn't change my mind.

Still, i love seeing pictures of you happy with your friends, and am always moved by how your beautiful face comes through in photographs.

i do miss you, but understand.

having it my way

You know when you're invited to a party where there is a surf horror band playing, and you hit it off with the hostess after you find out that it is her 30th birthday and you want to kiss her because you remember what it was like to turn thirty and it was the best year of your life because you met your soul mate but can't be with her anymore and then have the perfect image of your two young girls sleeping soundly in their beds?

Well, if you top it off with a triple whopper at BK it is the perfect ending to a great night.

and now a word from

Falling backward a little.... it may be from all the contact we had last week, talking about stuff. At least that is what we came up with today, in the allotted forty five minutes.

Also, that you have not rejected me, but what i did to you. i suppose i can accept that, amidst all of the "how did i get here?" that permeates daily. In many ways it is still a dream.... dreamlike, opaque.

i did dream about you, three nights ago... an awkward reconciliation that became sad. Thank god life has so many paths to take.

Rest in Peace, Stanley Cat.

it's like rain on your wedding day

i am going to a wedding today, and it looks as though the day will be perfect for them. i had always wanted an autumn wedding, but somehow along the way ExA and I agreed on May, due to circumstances i cannot recall.

When these recollections arise, they are usually followed by this thought: "I wonder if that's why we didn't make it?" Then another voice shoots it down with, "Yeah, you idiot, that's exactly why you are divorced, because you didn't get married in the fall!"

i must be getting better.