daughters

i have had my girls with me all week, as their mom is away. When she first asked, last Fall, i think the tone in her voice indicated it was asking a lot of me. As the week approached, i think i started wondering if it was going to be a lot, although i have a job that allows me to be tremendously flexible at times and a lot of vacation time.

It has been a week filled with opportunity, love growing in dimension and having what i missed since the separation and divorce: seeing them go to sleep and wake up everyday. Their mom is so lucky to have them as much as she does.

ressurrection

Things with Seraph haven't really gone anywhere, so i decided to act on a crush i have had on a woman at work. She is also younger than me, and whenever i see her i am utterly taken by her eyes. While out with a group that included her a few weeks ago, she made a comment about liking the pink Starbursts the best. So, after getting eight bags and picking out all the pink ones, I sent them all in a box to her with a card telling her that i would like to go out with her.

i am surprised that i am not more anxious- i guess it's more of losing that fear that drove me in life, especially in the last few years of marriage, when i felt as though i could do nothing right, that i was all wrong, worthless.

If she is unimpressed, if she is disinterested, no matter- i did what i wanted, and didn't look back. All of that romantic stuff i have missed for so long, that i wasted on an uncaring wife and a mistress with whom i wanted nothing, animates me again, brings life to trees and not trees, connects all poetry, art and music.

It's been not quite a year, but i thought for sure that i would regret not living for well over 365 days. i was wrong. And that's okay.

meet the new boss

I came across this picture in some publication:




What struck me was that the student is a current student, but he looks as though he could have been from when I went to school. i can't tell what is on his t-shirt, but wouldn't be surprised if says "Pink Floyd" or "The Doors." No matter how much things change, the more they stay the same.

controlled falling

Finally, a reason came to me. Whenever i was asked about why i did what i did, why i tried to die, my answer seemed half convincing: "i needed to stop time" or "i didn't want to see what came next."

Last Saturday morning, it came to me, as i lay in bed, getting ready to start my day. My day always starts with a review of my current surroundings: a futon, boxes stacked against walls, four pictures on a wall in a feeble attempt to create a home... all my possessions stored in a bedroom. Over the months the disgust it caused in me has faded to bitter sweetness.

i do not know where it came from, but when it arrived, it made perfect sense:

the suicide was a way to regain control, as i had lost control over everything in my life, my marriage, my children, my home, my friends..... it was a last ditch attempt to not be beaten down.