day three

The boulder was rolled away from the opening, and the body was gone.....i guess it's time to discuss Noire and i.

Since re-connecting last November, it's as if those three months we were apart allowed me to let go of whatever was keeping me from appreciating her, and while i know she and i will not be together for a long time i have much more appreciation for her now.

The hindrances of who she wasn't is no longer as blaring, and instead i enjoy who she is, what we are together. It is an interesting approach for me, as i have always been the kind of person who is all or nothing. What i feel for her is fine, for right now.

Worry, at times, appears in my thoughts: what if someone else comes along? Do i end it? Part of me feels I will, but still another part of me is not so sure. It is important for me to know that i am not somebody who hurts others. i now know that regardless of how unsatisfying my marriage was, having an affair was not justified. i am devoted to Noire, and will be, as there are few true gifts we can give those who love us, and complete fidelity is one of them.

erosion

Had some time to kill this morning while waiting for a friend, so i went to Narragansett town beach. In spite of the cold, overcast, windy day, there were quite a few people, two of them windsurfing:



i hadn't realized the exposure was up so high, hence the wash out.

The beach is so eroded that pylons from a long forgotten boardwalk appeared.




One of them had deteriorated into this odd, melting shape.



It's hard to tell from this angle, but the white parts are bending over, like it's flowering.

accidents

Fascinated with the word accident. In the past, when i heard it i would think of two, or more, vehicles colliding. As a grow older, i see how accidents fit into the fabric of life, and marvel at how they synchronize with the rest of life's events.

Running into a friend from high school in Manhattan where he was going to school. Deciding to seek a management position in the company i have been at for 20 years instead of pursuing teaching. Walking into the gift store ExA's mother owns to buy cards and meeting her.

There are those who are so removed from themselves they will claim that a purposeful action is an accident. i know, because i have been a master of being purposeful under the guise of accidents.

"Accidentally" finding myself at the same bar as a woman i had a crush on. "Accidentally" calling her number. Each time i slipped into infidelity, i did so under the illusion of not really being aware of my actions, these "accidents." i denied what my actions truly meant, removed myself from responsible action.

Being mindful has been a priority these last few years, and with it, being true to the universe. The Four Agreements call it being impeccable with your word. i no longer have accidents on purpose.

Hopefully.

flowing

Sometimes it's just a sunny, almost warm day where you can spend idle time cleaning the yard, going through a box of stuff you should have thrown away years ago, and listen to some forgotten band from the 80's.

Sometimes that is all a blog entry should be.