Rape Me, Indeed

There is an outfit that keeps track of the incomes of dead celebrities, and today they announced that Kurt Cobain's estate knocked Elvis Presley's estate out of the top spot.

Between September 2005 and now, Cobain's estate made $50 million. Here he kills himself because he doesn't want to face that his music will make him a lot of money and become mainstream, that something he loves will become passionless once it is mass marketed. And then he continues to sell a lot of product even when dead.

Now if that isn't irony, I don't know what is.

Probably wants to kill himself all over again.

Sunday AM epiphany

Out of nowhere, it comes. Triggered by the most obscure moment: where the sun hangs in the sky, how clear the night is, music that plays as though it were speaking or a conversation with a beautiful person.

Defenseless, i succumb. i have had this happen before, and i know it is telling me something.

So, as I sat this morning watching "VH-1 Classic", a channel i love, but hate to admit it, a video of Peter Gabriel's "In your Eyes" came on. i am a BIG Gabriel fan, so i've heard this song at least a hundred times. But somehow, the way the music started, then the first words are sung, the players and dancers moving rhythmically (it's a live video), i felt it come, the sadness, the tears, just welled up from somewhere inside and i released it, thankful my daughters were playing in another room. As i continued watching, i realized that the sadness was happiness, happiness for my life, my family, especially my fantastically lovely wife.

i wish i knew how to invoke these moments, as i need them more often than they decide to visit.

My wife, my crush

My marriage has challenged a belief that i have had since i was 7 or 8 years old. It was at that age that i first started believing in romantic love, a belief i hold to this day in spite of being introduced to sexual love, intellectual love, etc.

When i married, i knew i would be in love. The universe deceived me into thinking that if i was in love, then the other person would be as well. It has a dark sense of humor, as my wife quickly fell out of acting as if she is in love. Now i am left having a crush on her, as her definition of romantic love/marriage is different from mine. Hers appears to require very little interaction beyond comments about television shows, cursory displays of affection and an overall little investment in our relationship.

i wish i knew where i went wrong. When we first started dating she showed tremendous interest in me, in talking about books, art, anything, in doing things. In my cynical assessment, she did what she need to do to get married and cut out a secure life for herself.

i am tempted to talk with others, female friends, but we all know the usual male ploy of using the old "my marriage is in trouble"" to create affairs. It is not my desire to have an affair, unless it is with the woman my wife used to be, the one i have in my head. i know that she's still an amazingly caring, giving person, but just not interested in me in any way.

Fire Nights & Bad Days

Last night i spontaneously decided to invite my buddy PJ over for a fire, dinner and some beers. It was a great night to do it because the day was very warm and the night just cool enough to make the fire worth it. Especially for October. We had fun, talking and joking about everything and anything. He's down because he's in between relationships, feelin' a little lonely. He's a good guy, so i wish he could find a great partner.

Just not my, wife, but that's a blog entry for another time.

Back to work today. Meeting after meeting so no time to do the regular stuff i need to finish. Also, this being a campaign year, i am up to my neck in fundraisers and meet the candidate forums. It's all such a game that i feel dirty after doing politics.

Vermont

Man, i love Vermont. Every time i go, which is about 5 times in the last 5 years, i want to move there. People say that everyone says that before experiencing the winters there- that may be true, but the state (in parts) is so untouched, rural and full of local businesses. There are many towns without a Wal--Mart, Staples, McDonalds, etc. and it's so spiritually fulfilling to see people living without so much standard consumerism.

My brother in law has taken me on a couple of hikes to the tops of mountains in the area, and the scenes are incredible- i wish i could choose better words for it but the view leaves me speechless. Stupid as i am however, i still talk to him, probably ruining everything.

Marriage is trying

Some days you synch up perfectly- that created the love that brought you together. Other days you bounce off each other like bumper cars in an arena of senseless collision: you find you have more fun when you don't spend time together, phone calls are cut short when one spouse walks into the room unexpectedly, each day is spent for the family as a collective whole, without nourishing the individuals within the marriage.

please let me go.

Sick children & Appliance delivery

It's a good thing that sometimes i take a day off from work, because it is immediately filled with having a new dishwasher delivered and a trip to the pediatrician.

i honestly don't mind going to the pediatrician, especially if it will make my daughters better, but i wonder how this day would have played out if both my wife and i were working.

The appliance store was very cool, other than taking $700 from us, but they made everything easy, so no need to complain. Just goes to show that everyone should shop at Mom & Pop stores, not the big fucking superstores who act like buying from them is easy but when it gets right down to it once they have your money their service is sub-par.

This also sucks

i've been sick the past few days, not body-aching-vomitrama kind of sick but congested-out of body weirdness sick. i guess i'd rather have the latter, but trying to do my job is difficult when i feel as though i am not in my body but floating in some atmosphere somewhere.

Saddened by the news of the 5 Amish girls who were killed yesterday- i wish that these assholes who take it in their head to kill their spouses, children, parents, co-workers, strangers, etc. and then themselves would kill themselves first rather than having to make a statement and take others with them.

It makes me want to say that the world is going to hell, but i believe that more good than bad happens and that these cases are isolated and sensationalized therefore contribute to the general depression of the world.

This sucks

So now i've committed to blogging, something i said I'd never do. Mostly because i believe that i can not actually keep a blog that is entertaining enough.

We'll see. We'll just see.