when the levy breaks

Unfortunately, i am the type of person who sees the train coming but still wonders what will happen when it runs into me, no matter how many times i have been run over.

i cannot tell if the indifference is motivated by indecision, or the fact that i know the answer but want the other person to decide for me.

When my wife told me to leave the house last night, i felt as though it was more of the latter. i know that i care for her very much - she is my soul mate- but i am somewhat relieved to be free of the pendulum that is her love hovering above me.

i am tired of not being cared for as a spouse and seeing other passions replace me.... and i am just as upset at having to leave my girls and not see them everyday.

Still, as i lay in a broken bed in a low end motel in town, i had only one thought: i am so sorry that i am such an asshole.

The View from Upside Down

This recent..... drama in my marriage has set everything on its head (the Monkees revelation notwithstanding).

i am sure that i am in love with her, but need her to be sure of me as well. The other woman, while insignificant, seemed to be a light shed on some very real downfalls in our marriage.

i would like to buy a pair of red maracas

While my daughter was playing with a maraca last night, I was reminded of one of my favorite "Monkees" episodes, where Davey buys a set of maracas, only to find himself caught up in a world of espionage. There was a microfilm stored in one of the maracas meant for a Russian spy.

My thoughts then wandered to that fact that all four Monkees are still alive, but two Beatles are dead. I then realized I will be much more upset when a Monkee passes away, than when the two remaining Beatles do.

Man, that's embarrassing.

infidel

i arrived home to find out my wife read all my e-mails, and knows. Her first question was, "Do you love me?" i didn't hesitate for a second, and said that i did; i do, very, very much.

i am blessed to be with a woman who is amazingly beautiful, creative, intelligent, fun, interesting.... so why did i do this, if i had so much to lose? There it is, the riddle of the ages. Why does anyone do anything?

In hindsight, i wish i had said that me loving her wasn't the point; the point was whether she loved me or not.

So now we're in a kind of limbo... she let me know that she will be angry for sometime, but in that indicates there is a future. i think. Some days i am not sure i would blame her for leaving me, but for now it's wait and see.

Traveling

i am fortunate enough to have job that takes me away every once in awhile to beautiful places. Right now, my co-workers and i are in Islemorada in the upper Keys, staying in a house on the water. For a human services company, this is a pretty good perk, although it will be ending as the political climate in our state is such that funding will be cut. While it saddens me to be taken away from my family a couple of times a year, it is a very nice aspect of the job, giving us a place to work that is isolated from our everyday surroundings and focus on planning and execution.

But, the nights are the hardest. Something about that time of the day that evokes a slight melancholy, brought on by missing my family. And then this other issue, longing for her.

For every second i spend thinking about her is a second taken from my wife. And while we may not be the most romantic married couple in the world, we are very good friends and i regret treating a friend this way.

My black and white view of the world frames it into choosing either a ideal view of love, where the two people are destined for one another and one another alone. The second is considerably less rosy, that people just find people and commit for as long as one, or both desires, that there is nothing in the universe influencing it.

i am sure it falls somewhere in between, or perhaps i am neglecting the fact that there are many more paths. i just wish that i could stop traveling and just arrive.

i just can't shake my own path, where i had dreamed of a woman for years, always angelic, with long blond hair. When I met A, i knew she had been the one that had been in my head for years, and that it wasn't just a fantasy. Her inattention to us over the years makes me wonder otherwise.

So much for principles

After my initial moral rescuing, i have decided to head down a very, very different path.

I continued communicating with that woman, and the tone has become more than friendship. At first I convinced myself that it was a distraction from my marriage, already taking on water and lilting, but i have turned a corner that puts me at a moral quandary.

The first descent was sharing things about my own marriage, therefore violating the trust I have with my wife. Then it was sharing with her what ways i am attracted to her. The final cut in my moral shield was last Thursday.

While instant messaging, we started discussing adult movies. i recommended a movie to her (Zazel- for porn, it's not bad, especially for someone like me that has a love/hate relationship with it). She then indicated that she was researching it as we spoke, and then i opened the door by making a comment about how she was researching.

Her comments about research sounded pointed, and i responded in kind, but we all know how the written word is hard to interpret, so i may have totally misread it.

Still, i threw it out there and she bit, and the conversation went beyond the friendship boundary again.

It sent me into a tailspin, because i enjoyed it immensely as though we were true partners, something i hadn't counted on. What had started as a harmless little infatuation with a young woman seemed to be leading into something much more emotional.

i also realized that by taking this next step i have seriously damaged my relationship with my wife, and, although i truly questioned at the time whether or not our marriage would survive through our recent tumult, i still do not feel justified in my actions in any way.

i immediately tried to distance myself from this woman, and she knew it, but it's so stupidly enjoyable.

What makes things worse is just before i left on a business trip, my wife came to me in the sweetest, most loving way and we enjoyed the best night together in a long time. Of course, i know what i have to do, but am being selfish, and lost.

i never imagined that i could be such a person.