an operating table

Dreams continue to be my enemy.

In this one, we walk through a shopping village, one my subconscious has created from all of the seaside villages i have visited: Nantucket, Newburyport, etc. We walk slowly down streets, in and out of stores, past vacationers. We talk... and you lightly touch me on the arm.

When i awaken, it's always the same thing... why the dream couldn't last a few minutes more so i could feel your hand again.

life after

My favorite nights are ones that take me by surprise, are redeeming in the subtlest of ways.

A local punk band who has been around since the 80's did a reunion show, along with two other acts with almost the same longevity. i was planning to go, and when a friend with who i have had a couple of dates came by earlier in the week, i asked her if she wanted to go along. Our time together has been fun, but did not enter the romantic realm at all, so i pretty much settled on the fact that it was just friendship.

That night, there i saw people who i hadn't seen in 20 years or more, and others who i hadn't seen since the divorce. That part was a little uncomfortable at first, but not at all, especially when one of ExA's friends approached me warmly.... i truly enjoyed seeing her. However, i felt bad for Seraph, who, at the age of 24, was a toddler when we saw this band emerge. When i said that i was sorry that she had to hang out with a bunch of older people reliving their past, she smiled and told me to stop apologizing, and i believed her.

We went out on the back deck and talked while drizzle came down and gray settled on the water. The night was misty and chilly, but our conversation flowed and i found myself looking at her face with such fascination, such longing, it surprised me.

The show was incredible- i hadn't danced that energetically in a long time- and we left early because i knew that i wanted more time with Seraph.

We talked and kissed for hours.

My relationship life is marked by moments where i have felt saved, understood, naked... i thought i would never have that again. Tonight, i felt it again, and i loved the blood that rushed in me, no longer felt as if it was a traitor.

neutral nation

It's not that i didn't have hope for anything romantic between us, it's just that after two dates it felt as though we were still circling, and i am too old for circling. Circling used to be fun; it's not anymore.

But tonight, tonight when the conversation lulled and i took the opportunity to kiss you, it made sense to me. Your slight waist fit into my hand, and your lips were gentle and thoughtful. i hadn't felt that right kissing another woman since my marriage.

No matter what comes after, i will always remember that kiss, so different from the experience a year ago, in another car, when i ensured that my marriage would end. All of that regret, all of that questioning ceased momentarily as we enjoyed the art of lips and their silent conversation.

an anniversary

Early in the day i realized that the heaviness within me was not fatigue, but sadness that today is the first anniversary of my trespass. Where i used to ask why i now repeat my favorite mantra: it is what it is and there is nothing you can do. Not exactly comforting, but, not unlike a song played over and over becomes popular because of it's saturation, it keeps life in painful perspective.

In meditation, we say "Don't know." I have spent my whole life knowing, to see it otherwise is so foreign it feels like a crime against nature.

There is no fairness, no sense of balance. I am not sure why i have such faith in Karma.

once, i was

There was a time when i looked forward to picking up The Land & The Sea at my in-laws, because it gave me time to visit with my mother-in-law, exchange quips, gush over the girls.

When i arrived today, the girls were waiting at the door in their coats and came right outside as i drove up. i realized it was time to move into that next phase of the divorce: dissolving whatever relationship i had to make room for him.

At every turn, this whole divorce manages to become more and more plaintive.

On a lighter note, as i drove down the road to their house, i spotted a doe at the side of the road, common for the area. Except the doe was standing square between two cement posts with a chain running between them, and for a minute i thought she was responsible for letting other deer into this exclusive part of the woods.

My mother-in-law would have thought this hilarious. My ex-mother-in-law.

too soon, insect

For years i had been wanting to explore more Zen practice, so last week i researched what was in RI and found a class near me, in Charlestown.

The host/teacher was very nice; she holds it in a part of her house that she turns into a prayer area. Only one another person showed up tonight- they assured me that they usually get six to nine people weekly. It felt a little like Trekkies convincing me that they're not the only ones who go to the convention.

i enjoyed the meditation very much, but i had been hoping that there would be an exchange between the teacher and student, in the way it is in Zen literature. She did ask us for comments at the end of the session, but it was a far cry from her calling me "Grasshopper."

My initial intention was to have all of those questions answered through this process, but came to realize that answering my worn out, cliche questions isn't the point.

What is the point?

i'll let you know, later.