joy joy

When the beauty of the world comes to me clearly- people of all kind, smiling, grimacing as they walk sidewalks, a house so loved it's yard shines brilliantly, teenagers laughing in their complicity as they huddle in front yards, a blank faced mother in a car with her children- it seems easy, and i wonder why my antennae doesn't pick up these waves all of the time.

i recall the time ExA stood in her kitchen- it was no longer mine- and responded to my pathetic wish that she show some regret over losing us with, "i try and find some joy in everyday." It hurt that her drive to find joy in the midst of our divorce was easier, more attainable, than finding joy in us when we were married.

It is hard to remember joy. i miss childhood with great longing, as joy was so easy to find in every blade of grass, in every word with friends, at school, laying in bed at night.

church of apathy

I have had two dates with Noire, and in spite of our Memorial Day romp there has been no sex. i know that that is not for long, since it is her passion. She has been waiting, waiting for my explanation as to why i engaged with her that night if i don't want a relationship, why that night i told her that i wanted to see her again.

Part of me did miss her, not enough to change my mind about the commitment, but still a missing.

And, i tired of saying "no" to her. Sometimes when a person is forceful enough it is too tiresome to hold your ground. The strategy of giving in is brilliant enough to seem ingenious, but is really just a way to prolong. She does not want to accept what i say, wants to believe what she perceives, and i didn't have the energy to keep fighting her off.

It will get bad, again, and the accusations will be worse, as i will shoulder the lion's share of responsibility.

If i could just feel enough to care.

Nashville 'hood

A friend and I traveled to Nashville on my suggestion; he's a big country music fan.

Little did we know that the Country Music Association festival was going on. After spending $120 for scalped tickets, we spent Saturday and Sunday night at LP stadium watching Country's biggest stars. As much as i am not a fan of modern Country, i have to admit that they give their all and are excellent musicians.

However, what i enjoyed most was developing as thesis about how the culture around Country musicians is the same as Hip Hop,

Evidence?


1. The majority of songs are written about how tough they are, that they have street cred. In interviews with the male performers, no less than five of them said they were normal guys who "fished and hunted."

2. They have embraced a word that was originally pejorative (hillbilly, redneck)and now use it as a badge of honor.

3. Where the hip hop community is loyal to their 'hood, Country music stars are loyal to the United Sates and its troops. This is not to say that others are not, but it is so prevalent in Country music it is hard to tell if it is sincere.

Of course, i find it funny to no end in seeing these commonalities in what on the surface appears disparate.


And, Hootie is now a country music star. Go figure.

how to shoot someone who outdraws you

Every once in awhile, perhaps every few months, the communication between ExA and i becomes less stilted, less guarded and that is when she chooses to strike.


A year and a half ago, after a particularly fine exchange over e-mail, she decided to ask me for a portrait of her and the Land that i had taken in the divorce. The portrait was one that she had done for my birthday, so i felt as though it had been given to me. Because of a matching one of her and The Sea, she felt as though i did not have a right to it- she accused me of being unhealthy because i wanted it.


This past week she contacted me because she needs my signature on her refi (i am still listed as on the mortgage). After i assured her that i would assist in her getting whatever she needed, minutes later i received an e-mail invitation to her and Fortunato's 40th birthday party.


i saw it as thoughtless. i am sure she sees it as progress.