hollow eve

Tonight is the first Halloween that i will not see the land and the sea in their costumes. Last year i saw them briefly, accompanied them along with ExA to a few houses. i didn't bother this year, as ExA's next one is going along, and i don't want to be in the way.

"You have to stop seeing it as they wouldn't miss you" my counselor says. Rather, i have to fabricate the depth of their connection to me so i don't reach the obvious conclusion.

These moments are like blood trickling out of the body that was my life.

love letter

Too much to talk about, all of it fairly worthless, redundant adolescent bullshit.

i am so far removed from myself i cannot tell when and if i am in love when it presents itself.

Seraph is making herself more clear, going out of her way to spend time with me. It is with her that i feel most comfortable, somehow beautiful. Her kisses and touches are sincere, and yet there is something in the way.

Noire is in the way- she is sweet, intelligent and loves to fuck, but i need something behind all of it.

i still think about Cath, what may have happened had she not been married. We spoke again briefly- i was seeking penance, and she wouldn't grant it. She assured me that someone who changed their mind so quickly about his love must have been insincere from the beginning.

Was i? Am i?



i have found that KT is pregnant- i would comment further, but she reads this blog regularly and therefore i cannot write honestly.

That'll Learn Ya

A local band from the late 80's and early 90's is doing a reunion show around Thanksgiving. In preparation, they did a show last Saturday.

This, in addition to reunion shows by another local band, have been guilty pleasures for me- hearing those songs played live again, seeing people i haven't seen in almost 20 years.

i went with ExA's best friend... it's been odd keeping friendship with her friends, and i have not been actively doing so. But I always liked this friend and her husband and i have become good friends. And she enjoys the scene like i do, so off we went.

What a great night- they played fantastically. It could have been 1990, save our dull eyes and missing hair.

leaving churches

The date with the the femme fatale was fun. We ate sushi, talked for hours and then saw Capitalism: A Love Story... not exactly a date film, but enjoyable nonetheless. She talked- A LOT- and while it was entertaining i had flashbacks of ExA, who talked incessantly on our first few dates, which at first was endearing but in hindsight i should have seen as a red flag.

We did not end up in bed, though, which i thought was imminent given our first encounter, but sweetly said goodnight and said we'd do it again.

Cath had texted me that night, and when i told her i'd be unavailable to text a lot that night, she texted back, "R U going on a date ;)". i texted back a lie and said i was going out with friends. Her response: "Whew!" This weighed on me so heavily that i knew i had to tell her.

We talked this afternoon, and i confessed that i lied to her. She was as upset as i expected and i realized further just how far i had let this go . i told her that the more intense she got the less so i did, i did not come right out and say that my expressions of love lately were insincere. This prompted the conversation about what our last time together was (this past Tuesday) and where i was.

Where i was was not very close to where she was.

i always want the other person feel better, but as my dear friend K said, by checking in with her will give her false hope. So i acknowledged that we can no longer be together in any way, and i asked if we could talk occasionally she replied, what's the use? When i apologized, she said, "You don't owe me anything." i have said both of these to ExA, and if they affected her the way i felt after Cath said them, then i am glad i said them. Even as i end another relationship started out of... insincerity? poor judgment?... i am still thinking of ExA, and am ashamed.

thine own self

The Raven said to the Porcupine, when asked if he should fake happiness, that it doesn't start with sincerity.

With what then, does it start?

My initial love and profound caring for Cath has dwindled, is slowly leaving me like an illness. While i care for her, it is not the love i felt in DC and the week after. i was sure it was true with Cath, especially in contrast to KT, and with this transition i now scrutinize every relationship have ever had: did i love Esme? Did i love ExA?

It may be her tendency to text me incessantly. She has a level of neediness that wasn't apparent at first. Or, i am so emotionally fucked up that i don't want those who are needy (Daisy, Cath) or those who are self centered (ExA), or there is a middle ground that i have yet to encounter.

The femme fatale and i have a date tomorrow night. She made a comment about how we are doing it backwards, referring to the tryst we had almost two weeks ago. i fear that i will be getting myself into another relationship, when all i want to do is fuck her.