A friend recommended online dating sites, so i tried a couple. All in all, not a positive experience, mostly because i really am not ready to start dating, but also because i find the process cumbersome.
i started conversations with a couple of women, but found the conversations going so well that i didn't want to meet them; continuing on with friendly exchanges was enough for me.
Fear? Probably.
But when your heart's not in it to begin with you don't need that much trepidation to be daunted. KT listens to my stories about this with interest, and, i am sure, some jealously. It's as if i can never really settle on where i stand with her; at times the hate cycles so deeply i am surprised i even allow her into my bed. Other times, i see her sweetness, and can almost forgive her for breaking the one request i had of her, thereby damning my marriage.
i still fantasize that ExA and i will reconcile; highly unlikely now that she's onto her next serious relationship and i have seen enough photos and heard enough from The Land and The Sea to know he is special to her. And she rarely misses a chance to ensure how little i mean to her. Occasionally i confess to friends that i have these reconciliation fantasies, and they are incredulous.
It is hard for them to understand that although ExA is self centered and cold, that those are countered by traits so wonderful, it is easy to fall in love with her again and again.
It is her in her entirety that i am in love with, and cannot figure out why it wasn't enough to keep me from wanting otherwise.
