An unameable lust

Not quite a week ago i indulged a side of me that, in the past, i had only glimpsed.

i left A's house in so much despair after seeing her "friend" with an overnight bag, clearly intending to stay the night, i drove to my temporary home filled with nausea. Sleep wouldn't come, just thoughts of the stupid mistakes i had made,costing me my marriage, my family. Then, euphoria came with the realization that i had a choice, i didn't have to feel all of this anymore if i didn't want to.

i needed to leave before time moved me further away from what we used to be.

Reading Anne Sexton's "Wanting to Die", it finally made sense in a way it had never before, although i have read it over a hundred times. i was the happiest i had been in weeks, and clear. So, i composed an e-mail to A, cc'd it to family and friends, and drove to the J****town Bridge.

Surprisingly, the clarity stayed with me; i had expected doubt to set in on the drive. Not until i reached the top and stepped up to the railing did i look down and pause. What if i only break a few bones and then suffer until hypothermia set in?

I told myself that i could easily return and send out an e-mail taking it back, but that didn't feel honest.

So i bought a bottle of water, downed all of the Lexapro I had in the car and cut my wrists, very clear in my mind that these actions were honest. It took too long... even blocking my exhaust pipe didn't work. i figured that this was a sign that i wasn't supposed to die that night, so promptly took myself to a hospital.

Four days in a locked ward i met people who had lost their homes, had no friends or family, no job. Mental Health is not something easily fixed with medication and therapy. i have to say that A was amazing the first day, staying with me until i was admitted. At times i looked at her and she looked at me with such love i was confused, and momentarily believed we might have a chance.

It was short lived. Two days later she shared another side of her that I never thought her capable of: cruel. Turns out, her relationship with R started three weeks after she told me to leave the house. So, while she told me to be patient and wait until we could work it out, she began another relationship. i am so sick, like it's all starting over again.

i wish i had succeeded that night, but now that i have promised everyone never to do it again, it's an option that's been taken away from me.