i cannot figure Seraph out. We have a lot of fun when we get together, every month and a half, but it just so casual, something i've never really done. Just when i think we're fading something comes along, making me want to spend more time with her.

Even after confessing my date with the Starburst woman, she was so cavalier about it; she acknowledges that we are not committed to anything, but i still felt compelled to be honest.

We had an opportunity to spend time together the other night through work, then ended up alone. Conversation is always interesting, sweet and natural.

And when we kiss, it's as though i've been kissing her for most of my life.

Which i do not think about too much, because i was 17 when she was born.

me hate beauty

i was fascinated by the Bizarro world in Superman comics. The characters were so oddly behaved, their grammar backwards.... the first time i was introduced, Bizarro Superman drank a glass of sand.

Today, i entered my own version. Dropping the girls off, ExA was gardening and her next one was cleaning the grill. A year ago, or so, i would have been cleaning the grill, the girls playing outside. She is so sure in her acceptance of all this, so comfortable. It was if i was dead, watching the world go on without me.

As if.

In Bizarro world, is divorce the happiest day of your life?

battleground

Occasionally i will be in a situation where i am talking with another man and he starts down this road of anti-woman comments. Not hateful, but the worst kind of subversion, under the guise of "knowing their true nature," or an offhand joke.

Once engaged, i hesitate to press my opposition too strongly, as i know some views come experience, but they will just make cliche statements born of stereotypical characterization. i heard an advertisement the other day that involved a husband and wife conversing about their amazing grill, and then he whispers under his breath that he wishes that she looks as good as the grill after so many years of marriage.

i detest this view in particular, that woman "let themselves go" after being married, that they become these nagging, demanding spouses who make their husbands lives miserable.

And then there is a local talk show host who every night manages to infuriate me, usually when using an effeminate tone to illustrate what he sees as weakness. Recently, while commenting on the invention of a ring that women wear to show pride in being single, unmarried, he went off on a diatribe about how women are being raised to ignore their femininity, their attractiveness- the message was clear: strength in a woman equals masculinity.

What's the quote? "Feminism is the radical notion that women are people."

There was a time when i was too feminist in my nature, and i have learned to relax and appreciate the differences between the sexes. Still, presented with certain views of women, i bristle about how much crap is believed.

tine phase

i had a date with the Starburst woman tonight; it was fun, but we found that we have very little in common. Conversation flowed like molasses. i will be surprised if there is a second one.

We're very different in how we live life, in what we like. That doesn't bother me in the least but it wasn't easy to connect. After a couple of hours we finally found some common ground in cooking. The conversation flowed better then it had all night.

We were never at a loss for conversation, but it didn't always move like music, like conversation should when two people are really interested in one another and cannot wait to hear the next word.

i still occasionally fear i will not have it again, like i did with ExA, but it comes after a date that didn't go so well, and i know i will not find something quickly.. i really am not sure i want to find something right now.

S******** is a beautiful woman, and while i had known that for some time it was her words and her movements that recently drew me in , inspired me to send the candy. It's hard to know after one date what works and what doesn't.

i got lucky when i met ExA.

new rooms

This will be the first night i sleep in my new house. It hasn't been uncomfortable here... in fact, oddly familiar. My friend K****keeps commenting how at ease i am with the whole thing.... i am afraid i am missing something i should be stressed out about.

It's been one year since the attempt- most of the time i am happy i failed. But the failure of my marriage still haunts me, no matter where i live.

i spoke with the ghosts in my new house and we agreed to let each other alone, to cohabitate peacefully.

i hope they uphold their end of the bargain. i have enough dead spirits around me.