i against i

As i discussed in August, my relationship with Noire can progress no further unless i commit to having a child.  After much back and forth, much of it swaying me to have one more, i told her in late November that i would.

I am partially there, as i was with her moving in and marriage.  In those situations, after i committed it brought me to being entirely committed.  That has not been the case in this situation- i ended up going in the opposite direction, and now know that i truly do not want to have more children. 

i struggle with the fact that it would make her happy, that it would put off my life goals only slightly, but what bothers me the most is that it goes against my intuition, and the last time i went against my intuition i ended up marrying a woman that i eventually divorced.

Same graveyard

It has almost been five years since ExA and i separated then divorced. i have spent an embarrassing amount of time "figuring it out" on my better days, i realize there is not much to figure out, that some people are not meant to be together. That's that. On lesser days i worry about why i still need affirmation about the relationship, need justification- i suppose and element of this is because we have children, the old fashioned idea that children are the living embodiment of the love between two people. And yet, had we not had children, i would still want to know if i ever held a special place for her special based on the simple reason of who i am.  She had never given that to me, or meted it out in such small, confusing  doses.

Others had, have- i know what i mean to Noire, no question at all and it is a comfortable place to be. Yet, why allow myself to be haunted by something that never would be, that never was?

On my simplest of days, i just need to hear The Land make some geeky comment about her latest internet obsession or listen to The Sea describe what she did in school that day to know that answer.

Exeunt

In Kurt Cobain's "Journals", he equates heroin addiction with how time elapses on a TV show. i am paraphrasing, but he talks about why it is so difficult to quit is because time between cravings is not fully experienced, much like how a scene occurs on a TV show, and is followed by another; a day could elapse but for the viewer it is only a few seconds. My last post was months ago- i'd like to explain it away in similar terms. Life goes n, and often i forget, or am not motivated, to comment on it. Still, i sped too much time playing Scrabble on my iPhone, or reading about defunct 80's bands, so clearly there is time to write about something. It's that something that bothers me.