Bleed & Transition

The last couple of days have been very hot and humid, not common northeast weather for the end of May.

It started me thinking what my favorite season transition is, and i immediately thought, "Definitely summer into autumn." Then a few seconds later i realized i also really like winter into spring. Then i thought, "well, i really don't know what i have against spring into summer and autumn into winter," so i guess they all have their place.

i am fortunate to live in a state (ri) where those transitions happen rather dramatically. i suppose i picked summer into autumn at first as it is the one that evokes the most nostalgia in me: leaving high school for college, those late September/early October weeks with winds and leaves and slight hints of cold, meeting new people as an adult (as defined by law, not maturity). still, they all have this sublime connection to life, which i am experiencing now at 40.

when i read poetry with these themes, i thought that i understood what was being expressed, but i now know how foolish that is for a 20 year old to appreciate

"I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas."

At 60, i may feel that my 40 year old empathy is just as foolish.

persona

This blog is becoming a little whiny, something that i hoped it wouldn't, but i have received some very nice feedback which has helped to balance the shit i express here.

i am not a sad person. i believe that most who know me would say i am fairly personable and funny. this blog is one aspect of my persona, i suppose.

Most news makes people feel bad, even depressed- sometimes i think that's what their job is- but although i accept this i cannot ever let go of the stories involving children.

Madeleine McCann, the four year old taken from her parents villa in Portugal as they dine "130 yards away.' This poor girl who is probably terrified.... however, if she's terrified, then she's alive.

That evil couple in Massachusetts, the O'Rileys, who overdosed their 4 year old with medications. It is apparent that they were neglectful and just ignorant about what medications are supposed to do. They definitely do not "babysit."

And the countless mothers (they all seem to be mothers) in the Southern states who cut the arms off of their 8 month old or stone their sons to death because God told them to.

i wish i could locate this cruelty towards children that lives within people and remove it-painfully, if necessary, with a scalpel- and save the most innocent of all people.


Oh well, at least i didn't talk about my marriage.

Take it out behind the barn and just shoot it.

i am watching may marriage disintegrate before my eyes. It started with my wife harmlessly joining a community theater, taking her out of the house 5 nights a week when they were doing a production. Now the whole crew meets weekly at a bar, and it would take one of our daughters going into a coma to keep her away from being there. If that wasn't so bad, now she's bringing home their wisdom, sharing it with me like i am the hunchback who waits for her to bestow words on me so i can clap excitedly at her attention, which i, being an idiot, misspell and believe that it's "affection".

Such as the young man who has appointed himself her life coach. That's how it starts, and i don't think i want to stick around to see it end.

i guess i could find something to distract me in a similar way, seeing as we have more fun with others than with each other, but i have too much faith in marriage to resort to that. Not necessarily faith in my marriage, but faith in loving marriage.