danger everywhere

i've been to this Asian restaurant at least 25 times but only this past week noticed the sign on their door:



While i know there is humor in how English is translated from Japanese, Chinese (and vice versa), this seems more poetic than humorous.

nightswimming

A large bulletin board hangs in front of my desk at work; i face it as i carry out my day to day tasks. Pinned to it are photographs of The Land and The Sea, of people we used to support who have passed away, people with whom i worked fifteen years ago, various pieces of memorabilia that, hopefully lighten my day..... a favorite is the picture of Max from "Where The Wild Things Are" grinning mischievously as his bedroom transforms into a jungle.

There is a photo of me, along with two friends who married a month after ExA and I. Today, the afternoon had me in its jaws as we let another person go due to budget cuts. As i waited to be swallowed whole, i looked at myself in that photograph and tried to remember what i was thinking when it was taken. i was clearly happy- i am smiling, and my two friends are as well, captured in that moment of brilliance you feel when marrying the person you hope to know until the end of life. Yet, there was this craving to know exactly what my thoughts were, and disdain that cameras cannot capture everything.

A streak of autumn sun brought me out of the mouth of sadness, slightly. To me, autumn serves as a 360 degree, surround sound photograph, a metaphor for what was and what may be, what will never be again. Bitter, bittersweet.

evol

There are times when i feel as though i could be in love with Noire. Although, i fear that this might be more in the realm of need, rather than love.

It's odd when you are in a relationship where all of the usual ingredients are present- physical attraction, respect, appreciation for personality, friendship- and yet cannot get to that last part.

She is patient, waits for me to renege on the two tenets i told her on our first date: marriage and more children are not in my future. At times she cannot oblige me, due to her own clock ticking, and asks, "Do you know what it's like to be in love with someone who does not feel the same for you?"

i do. i don't tell her that it's what i feel for ExA, but she hints at knowing.

Most days the pain of loving again is too great to bear.

the greatest victory is the victory over oneself

Due to another round of budget cuts, the agency where i work needs to save another $2 million for the State of RI; if anyone is keeping score, this makes a total of $5 million in three years that have been taken away from people with developmental disabilities. In a state that just claimed an increase of revenue for the last quarter of fiscal year 2011.

This results in the lay off of five positions in our office. A week from this Friday they will be taken in for a meeting, told that their positions are eliminated, be paid for the rest of that pay period but not work for the last week. Four of these people i see on a daily basis and have to greet them like i don't know what is going to happen. This is the time to buy a Bed & Breakfast in Vermont.

This country is so lost, i am beaten down by the daily onslaught of corporations taking over our government, the ruling class pissing on the middle and lower classes. Obama is doing little for his party, and is almost as ineffectual as W was.