New Year

Turns out, counseling CAN help. i had pretty much gone into it thinking it would help us see the light illuminating the end of our marriage, but i am now feeling optimistic. Still some things to work out, but i no longer feel like i am alone in our marriage.

Hope every one's Christmas was great- mine was. I received the best gift from my wife- an OXO stainless steel lift top garbage can. Many of you may not see how it compares to your new iPods or diamonds, but then you do not understand gift giving. It means she listened to me, while we were at some friends' house for dinner and i admired theirs.

She listened to me.

And her other gift indicated she's been listening for years. She painted a picture of our oldest daughter. i had asked her years ago if she would use her talent to draw them, and had not mentioned it for some time.

Happy Day, Happy New Year.

Coming home

When i pulled into the driveway, i was not yet ready to enter the house. The lyrics overwhelmed me in such a way that i had to spend a few moments collecting myself:

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
you made it known
Falling slowly sing your melody i'll sing along

Is that us?

thinking of ways of keeping you warm

One of my favorite acts of love is when you lay on me while we're on the couch. In that simplest action, i feel that you love me and wonder if i am misguided in seeing us as drifting. i want to stay like this forever: warm, close, comforting.

Then i remember your late night drunken call to PJ, your not being able to be away with your family for four days without calling a theater friend everyday.

i may overreact, but these are not my fault, as you would have me believe. When you get up to leave, so does the warmth, we drift further apart, and any attempt to seek comfort from you will be turned around so i need to comfort you.

The Bottomless Pit

Marriage is up and down. But what happens when it seems like you can't get up?

People grow, up and apart, and what you think is a core turns out to be a memory that was created from the first few dates, your wedding day, the birth of your first child. It's enough to bring you forward, but then the two of you communicate through half-smiles and concerned looks.

Loving the other person is not enough if both of you see love differently. Other interests come along in a person's life and with those as a barometer you realize just how passionless the person was about your relationship.

The relationship you hold dear, and are trying to hold on for dear life.

Speechless

A friend of my wife's killed himself two weeks ago today. i had grown to enjoy him immensely, although had not had the chance to spend time with him. Foolishly, i told myself that one day we would spend 8 hours talking about music, movies, sci fi, all those topics that we touched upon in our brief twenty minute visits over the last nine years.

It boggles my mind as to why he would do such a thing. Although I detected anxiety in him, I did not see him as someone who came across as hopeless. I know that it is not always that obvious, but i just cannot fathom how he got so far that he felt this was the only way.

i had not spoken with him in months, something i feel much guilt about. With this hindsight, i wish i had invited him over more often, burned him some music, anything.

The world lost a great guy. Especially irritating when i can think of ten people i wish would kill themselves.

i wish i could tell you

i wish you could see how beautiful you are, see through my eyes. It's as if everything we've accumulated cloaks you: at times i see you on our wedding day, other times how you looked in the hospital giving birth. The deep red of your pursed lips after you apply lipstick, the pale delicateness of your hands as you knit... i could easily become overwhelmed.

Do i do anything for you? Anything like this at all?

Third Time Going Down?

Usually the rift lasts only a few weeks and then we reconnect, generally via a good conversation or laugh.

The conversations and laughs have come and yet we still cannot re-connect. Late at night, when she thinks i am sleeping, i am downstairs in our dark living room trying to make sense of why we are so far apart. Realizing that that, in itself, is my downfall, trying to think everything through, i sense a desperation like no other.

Because using my emotions leads to an even darker conclusion.

What do i do with my life, what remains of it, after having based so much of it on this love for her? It's maddening to know that in the end, it does not matter how much i love her, i can't make her feel the same for me.

Filling in the Blanks

Why is it so hard to forgive those closest to you? It would seem to be a task not too difficult given how much you love the person. Still, i am bothered by the fact that i cannot.


After years of suspecting my wife harbors a crush on a friend of mine, i had come to realize that i was being foolish and put it away for the benefit of our relationship. This, in spite of weak protestations on her part and even weaker excuses as to why she would be drawn to him while we all spent time together.

Shortly after, she took an opportunity while i was 300 miles away to become drunk and call him under some false pretense.

Now i fear that what had previously been the pettiness of jealousy is now a living breathing reality.

Please write me and answer this: when you are drunk, who is the first person you think to call?

In my experience, it has been the woman with whom i was most enamored or loved.

ONCE

i saw a great movie last Saturday- "Once." My wife and i stumbled upon it while looking for something to do while waiting to go to a bar and see some live music. i had heard nothing about the movie, and when the reviews said that it is a musical i was prepared for the worst.

The musical aspect incorporates nicely with the themes, about a man and woman who meet and collaborate on songs. Of course, the music really drives the movie home: i purchased the soundtrack the next day and have played it incessantly since, especially "Falling Slowly" and "When Your Mind's Made Up." Not all of the songs are winners, but the few that are make purchasing it well worth it.

It turns out that the actor who plays the man (or "Guy" in the movie) is the primary singer/songwriter for The Frames, an Irish band who i should have known of long before this. "Falling Slowly" is one of their songs re-worked for the movie.

Anyway, i found it affirming, especially given my relationship with my wife, documented ad nauseam in this blog.

So, see it.

Bleed & Transition

The last couple of days have been very hot and humid, not common northeast weather for the end of May.

It started me thinking what my favorite season transition is, and i immediately thought, "Definitely summer into autumn." Then a few seconds later i realized i also really like winter into spring. Then i thought, "well, i really don't know what i have against spring into summer and autumn into winter," so i guess they all have their place.

i am fortunate to live in a state (ri) where those transitions happen rather dramatically. i suppose i picked summer into autumn at first as it is the one that evokes the most nostalgia in me: leaving high school for college, those late September/early October weeks with winds and leaves and slight hints of cold, meeting new people as an adult (as defined by law, not maturity). still, they all have this sublime connection to life, which i am experiencing now at 40.

when i read poetry with these themes, i thought that i understood what was being expressed, but i now know how foolish that is for a 20 year old to appreciate

"I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas."

At 60, i may feel that my 40 year old empathy is just as foolish.

persona

This blog is becoming a little whiny, something that i hoped it wouldn't, but i have received some very nice feedback which has helped to balance the shit i express here.

i am not a sad person. i believe that most who know me would say i am fairly personable and funny. this blog is one aspect of my persona, i suppose.

Most news makes people feel bad, even depressed- sometimes i think that's what their job is- but although i accept this i cannot ever let go of the stories involving children.

Madeleine McCann, the four year old taken from her parents villa in Portugal as they dine "130 yards away.' This poor girl who is probably terrified.... however, if she's terrified, then she's alive.

That evil couple in Massachusetts, the O'Rileys, who overdosed their 4 year old with medications. It is apparent that they were neglectful and just ignorant about what medications are supposed to do. They definitely do not "babysit."

And the countless mothers (they all seem to be mothers) in the Southern states who cut the arms off of their 8 month old or stone their sons to death because God told them to.

i wish i could locate this cruelty towards children that lives within people and remove it-painfully, if necessary, with a scalpel- and save the most innocent of all people.


Oh well, at least i didn't talk about my marriage.

Take it out behind the barn and just shoot it.

i am watching may marriage disintegrate before my eyes. It started with my wife harmlessly joining a community theater, taking her out of the house 5 nights a week when they were doing a production. Now the whole crew meets weekly at a bar, and it would take one of our daughters going into a coma to keep her away from being there. If that wasn't so bad, now she's bringing home their wisdom, sharing it with me like i am the hunchback who waits for her to bestow words on me so i can clap excitedly at her attention, which i, being an idiot, misspell and believe that it's "affection".

Such as the young man who has appointed himself her life coach. That's how it starts, and i don't think i want to stick around to see it end.

i guess i could find something to distract me in a similar way, seeing as we have more fun with others than with each other, but i have too much faith in marriage to resort to that. Not necessarily faith in my marriage, but faith in loving marriage.

I Wanna New Party

Okay, the last few years have been leading up to this revelation:

I want a new Democratic party.

The current one, both locally and nationally, is losing me. They are nothing but a bunch of whiners who cannot get anything done and who continue fighting internally. Republicans have a clear strategy, although a hateful, greedy, self centered one, but they get the job done for their party (for the most part- they're experiencing some fragmentation of late, but on the whole still look a lot more coherent than the Dems).

Democrats need a strong leader who is not afraid to be strong, whether it be disarming terrorists or increasing taxes for the wealthy. We are being portrayed- and not unjustifiably- as bureaucrats who throw money at every problem rather than exploring root causes and then insisting that the people involved work along with others to better the situation. Support for illegal aliens!?! Come on- this is the lowest point.

I want my party back- I want choice, welfare for the needy, services for the elderly and disabled, safety from terrorism, fiscal responsibility- not career politicians wasting time passing bills with minor effect on our nation.

We need another Bill C, to make the Republicans look bad.

Nirvana or Contentment?

Over the last few months, perhaps even a year, i realize this feeling of contentment within me. It's usually when watching my daughters or doing some sort of household task (cleaning the bathroom, stripping paint, you know). I realize that while these responsibilities are seen as burdensome by others, that i get a sense of peace that the activities are part of the larger harmony of life- i think it was said better by the person who said that life is best experienced in mundane tasks, or something to that effect.

Now, this feeling does not come without dread, dread that i have sold out my younger, passionate beliefs of being anti- the norm. It is not that black and white, but in spite of this i am goofily happy with my life as it is.

i wish that i could maintain this in my marriage as well. i am getting there, but some days it's very hard to accept less passion, less romance and less respect than what i believe a relationship should be. i know it's in her, but am becoming more and more afraid that it's not for me.