i love dreams, purely as entertainment. i do not believe that dreams hold cosmic messages for us- they are just vomit from our subconscious, freed at night when our brain is not occupied with our waking life.
That said, i have had some very odd incidents where dreams were almost prescient, but i chalk this up to timing. Still i cannot escape the ripples of a dream like the one i had last night.
There was a lot to this dream, but i cannot remember it. The part i do remember is walking onto a beach where there were a lot of people just standing about, dressed in street clothes, not talking with one another, just THERE. The sky was gray and it may have been drizzling. As i walked up to the shoreline, i saw that one of the people was a high school classmate of mine who passed away in 2005. We weren't close, but he was an all around good guy that everybody liked- i had become friendlier with him as we planned our 20th high school reunion that year.
Anyway, without any connection to any previous scene from the dream, the dream me asked him, "Why is life so hard?" He replied,"Because you have to experience all of it."
i have racked my brain for something that would have caused this random answer, but cannot explain it away, other than more subconscious vomit that has taken some pseudo philosophical quote from a poster and kicked it back as this guy's words. Still, the way it was said haunts me, as it was not as though he just had a walk on part like in other dreams; his presence was purposeful. i have had dreams about others who have died, with similar realness, and want to believe, almost do, that they are those people using the dream medium to communicate.
His answer stayed with me, even after i awoke, and while i am not entirely convinced it is not subconscious diarrhea, i so much want to believe his words, want them to take away this cancer that lives in me that is ExA.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
liberty
A friend, who i shall name Jools, and i went to Philly this past weekend to visit our friend PJ. PJ was married last October and they had a baby in March.... do some quick math.
He is not adjusting well to being a father, as it has taken so much of his independence, nor being so far from his family. i fear that his marriage may be collateral damage, although i am pretty sure that even if they didn't have a child that he would be enthralled with being married for only so long.
Some love commitment, some don't. It's no secret that i loved it, and regret everyday that i have lost mine to her. Not to say that it wasn't for the best, but the science of accepting life's tragedies with a dismissive justification angers me.
"When God closes a door, he opens a window."
"Life is what happens when you're making other plans."
"Never regret anything, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted."
We sat outdoors at a bar on 23rd Street, drinking and discussing his frustration. Inevitably, he or Jools made the cliched comment- "You always want what you cant have."
i told them that they were wrong, that it is not a matter of simply envying where you are not. i loved being married, loved being committed, and with the exception of a very difficult nine months i was very appreciative of ExA. Still, i cannot ask him to not act hastily; i can see in his demeanor that he will- it has always been about him, and he has a hard time making room for others.
But, despite the threesome he had while with his wife to be, despite his oddly pointed attempts to disturb me with ExA's attraction to him, despite his occasional verbal knives that belittled me in front of others, i love him like a brother, and want him to be happy.
He is not adjusting well to being a father, as it has taken so much of his independence, nor being so far from his family. i fear that his marriage may be collateral damage, although i am pretty sure that even if they didn't have a child that he would be enthralled with being married for only so long.
Some love commitment, some don't. It's no secret that i loved it, and regret everyday that i have lost mine to her. Not to say that it wasn't for the best, but the science of accepting life's tragedies with a dismissive justification angers me.
"When God closes a door, he opens a window."
"Life is what happens when you're making other plans."
"Never regret anything, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted."
We sat outdoors at a bar on 23rd Street, drinking and discussing his frustration. Inevitably, he or Jools made the cliched comment- "You always want what you cant have."
i told them that they were wrong, that it is not a matter of simply envying where you are not. i loved being married, loved being committed, and with the exception of a very difficult nine months i was very appreciative of ExA. Still, i cannot ask him to not act hastily; i can see in his demeanor that he will- it has always been about him, and he has a hard time making room for others.
But, despite the threesome he had while with his wife to be, despite his oddly pointed attempts to disturb me with ExA's attraction to him, despite his occasional verbal knives that belittled me in front of others, i love him like a brother, and want him to be happy.
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