In my heart of hearts, whatever that means, i do not want to be with Noire. i cannot understand why she wants to stay in this knowing my lack of interest; is sex really so powerful that someone would stay in a relationship with a person, a relationship that lacked other details such as interesting conversation and the desire to see the person daily?

My thoughts jump to how to sabotage it- she gets upset when i don't call or text on the days we're apart, it would be easy to do more of this- but i want to have some dignity, not just escape. She deserves respect, at the very least.

In spite of my joking about it, at times it gives me pause to consider i really may have created a circle of hell for myself where my marriage was actually incredibly fulfilling, and i have traded it for a series of vacuous relationships.

two dreams

In the first one, i am standing in the downstairs of a house i do not recognize in my waking life, but is mine in this life. i am standing, holding a pose as ExA walks through the door. As in most of my dreams, i cannot recall the conversation, but it involves my pose re-enacting a scene from Truly, Madly Deeply. We argue, and she tells me this idea won't work. i protest, but she becomes more and more certain in her words that it is useless. i am crestfallen.

In the second one, i am in a courthouse that resembles a large dining hall, like Ballards on Block Island. The judge calls me to the stand, an uncomfortable wooden bench not unlike an old school desk, and announces that i am testifying for my second divorce.

In the dream, i am sad that i am getting divorced again; when i awaken i realize that i am getting divorced everyday. Tomorrow it will be two years since ExA told me to leave the house.

The Land and The Sea grow more and more beautiful each day; i have met and laughed with many good friends, and drowned in sensual darkness with lovely women. These will accumulate with the years, and i become less and less convinced they will eventually wash you from me.

tattoos

Every day since it happened, i have regretted getting into her car; this anniversary isn't an anniversary, just another day in that chain.

i am sorry, a hundred times over.

more bad poetry

Cleaning through some boxes, i found scraps of paper with "poems or "lyrics" that i have carted around for years (see previous entry, here.

Part of me doesn't want to throw them away, as they are snapshots of my young mind. But something like this:

when i tell you i love you
don't laugh in my face
please look at my eyes
it's something i can't erase

and when you and i are together
and we feel we're in bliss
tell me that you hate me
then make it real with a kiss

*cringe* is a snapshot into mediocrity.

an evening

The Land & The Sea have their own mix CD that we play in the car- one of the songs is a Tom Wait's cover by Tori Amos, "Time."

The other evening, as we drove home from my niece's birthday, too close to their bedtime, it came on, and their voices harmonized the chorus as we drove in darkness.

And it's Time Time Time
And it's Time Time Time
And it's Time Time Time
That you love

Beautiful moment. I stored with with the others that they've given me. My life is made true by them.

play

A Spring day drew us out of the house.... well, drew me; i had to threaten The Land & The Sea with no more time on their DS's to get them outside.

In spite of the Draconian means, they ended up enjoying it, taking almost a half hour just to set up their Littlest Pet Shop figures and play sets in the back yard. i couldn't help but think of the times the King and i similarly used our yards as back drops for Star Trek and Star Wars figures. i envied them and eaves dropped on their conversation in order to experience the memory that much more.

When they play together, it gives me hope that they will be good friends. Of course, that changes on a dime, and they lash out at one another for criminal acts such as knocking over a toy.

i am glad to have the yard for them. This is the year i will plan and plant, hoping to turn a very basic grass canvas into one of may colors and textures.

Ensuring there will still be enough room for a kick ball field.

it's not you, it's me... no, wait, it is you

i tried to break up with Noire. i rehearsed my words over and over, deciding that the best way to open the conversation was, "i don't want to continue with us." i thought (THOUGHT) it would be less confrontational, but it wasn't.

i sit there, as i have two other times these past couple of years, and wonder why i don't feel, don't care about their disappointment and sadness, sit emotionless as they cry, or spew angry words, or both... usually both.

She pointed out to me that she had felt dips in our relationship and had considered breaking up with me, but worked through it.... i decided to give it a try. While we are still together, it is not without stress fractures; she rarely passes up an opportunity to remind me about how sad she is, as demonstrated in this text transcript:

Me: What time are we getting together?

Her: 7 PM

Me: Will you have eaten by then?

Her: Probably not, since I haven't eaten in two days.

(i don't text back)

Her: prob good for weight loss, but, yes we can get something to eat.


i don't blame her for being sad and angry, i just wish people who were sad and angry with me said something to the effect of, "I am sad and angry with you," rather than this passive aggressive bullshit.