world party

There were times as a teenager when i would be doing nothing on a Saturday night and was convinced, to a point of paranoia, that there was some massive party happening somewhere and i wasn't invited. Oddly enough, i wouldn't have wanted to hang out with those in my class who were there, and i was pretty convinced that the ones i did like were not there (hmmm....), but was exasperated about wanting to be included in some way.

Such is adolescence. The desire to be accepted, by those who have lots of friends, or by the freaks, whose friendships are few but strong.

Unfortunately that conflict stayed with me way too long, into my twenties and thirties. It's ugly head occasionally rears itself. And then i remind my self that i am in my forties.

What's it like to be self realized?

definition

For two years i have attempted to define myself in other ways: friend, volunteer, amateur musician, amateur song writer, and found them to be sand castles. If anything makes me, it is The Land & The Sea.

When The Land and The Sea leave, i lose my definition. i dread my house, i dread its silence, i wilt at seeing their toys on the floor, lifeless of their animation and voices.

Could this mistake have been so large that it is not recoverable? Will i ever not have to do deep breathing before i pick up your calls, or brace at the sight of you?

infected

i don't get sick alot perhaps more now that i am older, but still pretty infrequently. When i do, it's a little cold, just enough to annoy those around me but not keep me out of work.

This past week i developed a sinus infection, my second in 21 years. Knowing the pain is not something you mess with, i hot footed it to a walk in clinic and was prescribed an antibiotic. Four days of taking it has lessened the infection, but i think it's made everything else worse:

body shakes
fever
all around malaise


Anyway, i decided to watch Where The Wild Things Are, and it was a bad idea.

i'm just saying, if you're that sick, bad movie to watch: defenseless, it hit too close to home. And i love that the Wild Things had names like "Carol" and "Ira".

YOU again

So, Noire and i still go to Wilco, and although i really want to see them, i am pretty sure this is not a good idea. Not having a wide range of relationship experience, i am like the person who wakes up at 3 AM and gropes in the darkness on his way to the bathroom. Going to Wilco was a stub to my right toe.

After making small talk for the first hour and a half, we finally delve into the conversation about Thursday. Immediately, she recants everything she said about wanting kids, wanting marriage, wanting us to see each other more than twice a week. This leaves me in a position to tell her that while that is all well and fine, i need to think about what i want. We watch the show, and agree to talk on Tuesday.

Tuesday needs to be canceled, because of a meeting that i had thought was Monday. Before walking into that meeting, i receive an irate call from her- it turns out that when you remove (REMOVE, not change) your relationship status on Bacefook that it sends out an update that you are no longer in a relationship. As this thought gels in my head, Noire screams at me that i had no intention of continuing the relationship and took that opportunity to tell her. While i am pretty sure i don't, this is not how i want it to end, her believing i did something scummy such as let everyone know on Bacefook.

Thursday comes, we meet in a park,and i tell her that i do not want to continue. She is angry, betrayed, mocking, belittling, all of the things i have come to know. i look out the windshield to one of the trees flowering white, and swear to never do this again until i am over ExA.

And then, at another level of thought, secretly hope that i am never over her.

fallen

Inadvertently, i left a rear door open in my car all night; The Land pointed it out to me as we exited the house this morning. At first, I worried that my battery probably wore down, but was assured when it turned over fine.

When we arrived to ExA's house, i turned around to see The Land leave and saw what i thought was one of their stuffed animal birds on the floor. i then realized it was a dead robin that must have flown in the open door and broken it's neck trying to get out.

A sign?

Noire wanted to get together tonight, and i asked if it was okay that we got together tomorrow night. This set forth a chain reaction of hurt feelings that culminated it our break up tonight.

As she spoke about her sadness in the days since my first attempt to break up, i realized that she was waiting for me to change my mind about not wanting to get married again, not wanting more children, and i could not let more months pass knowing that it would not change.

As always, i am sorry that i hurt her, as i do not want her to be in pain. This annoys her, because she wants me to be in pain, and while i am sad to not have her as a friend, i know that it is the right thing.

It is a dead robin.