My Christmas

My Christmas has decorations, but decorations that make sense.

Not a snowman and Santa together in a motorcycle and sidecar, waving. Next they'll add a baby Jesus and then all sense will have gone out the window.

Certainly not an eight foot tall reindeer wearing a Santa outfit. It's as though he ate Santa and is trying to pass himself off as the real thing.

Lastly, my Christmas is not a huge fucking snow globe that takes up half of the front yard and uses more energy than a vibrator at the Playboy mansion. Whoever invented those monstrosities should be made to work in inner cities setting up Nativity Scenes.

And not ones where everyone is smiling, either.

carousel

i have seen your happiness, when you are singing, when you are onstage. i love seeing you perform, it's such a part of you, of your past, of your future.

Why am i slightly sick?

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

There was a report on Marketplace about Madonna and other celebrities drawing attention to Malawi, a small African nation. They visit, adopt children, generally drawing the media with them. Anyway, the question was raised about whether or not their good deeds are overshadowed by the promotion.

I recalled one of my favorite arguments in a college philosophy class where we discussed Mother Theresa: she worked tirelessly with the poor, but as part of the Catholic doctrine it is work such as hers that gains one access to Heaven. The discussion provoked the class to argue the worth of good deeds if ultimately the good deeds make a person feel better, rewards them, etc. "Friends" dealt with the topic in an episode, to VERY comedic results.

I realized that regardless of the person's intent, any good work that is done benefits humankind. The fact that the charity fails on a personal, ethical perspective is true, but should not detract form the work itself.

So, while they my shamelessly promote themselves, Madonna, Ewen McGregor, Angelina Jolie at least do good by drawing attention to a situation that would otherwise be noticed by only a select few.

Food Addictions and Porn

Sometimes i get disturbed by how much i am controlled by food. It gets to the point where if i have to transport food- ANY food- i need to put it way back in my car so i will not eat it on the way to it's destination. i once bought a half dozen Krispy Kremes to bring to work but aborted it after i ate 4 of them. My mind said, "There's only 2 left... you may as well finish them." So i did. i used to not be a sugar fiend, but as i have become older i find that i eat it everyday: soda, candy, whatever.

i feel like a failure, as every time i overeat or eat poorly i tell myself that tomorrow is a new day and i will change it. Then i go right back to the same old habits.

It's like porn: over indulgence in something that really should be consumed in small portions. Ever watch a porn movie? Sure, we all like...LOVE...sex, but scene after scene of it coupled with bad acting is too much. i can't make it through a whole film, although every fiber of my being wants to see how the plot resolves.

Rape Me, Indeed

There is an outfit that keeps track of the incomes of dead celebrities, and today they announced that Kurt Cobain's estate knocked Elvis Presley's estate out of the top spot.

Between September 2005 and now, Cobain's estate made $50 million. Here he kills himself because he doesn't want to face that his music will make him a lot of money and become mainstream, that something he loves will become passionless once it is mass marketed. And then he continues to sell a lot of product even when dead.

Now if that isn't irony, I don't know what is.

Probably wants to kill himself all over again.

Sunday AM epiphany

Out of nowhere, it comes. Triggered by the most obscure moment: where the sun hangs in the sky, how clear the night is, music that plays as though it were speaking or a conversation with a beautiful person.

Defenseless, i succumb. i have had this happen before, and i know it is telling me something.

So, as I sat this morning watching "VH-1 Classic", a channel i love, but hate to admit it, a video of Peter Gabriel's "In your Eyes" came on. i am a BIG Gabriel fan, so i've heard this song at least a hundred times. But somehow, the way the music started, then the first words are sung, the players and dancers moving rhythmically (it's a live video), i felt it come, the sadness, the tears, just welled up from somewhere inside and i released it, thankful my daughters were playing in another room. As i continued watching, i realized that the sadness was happiness, happiness for my life, my family, especially my fantastically lovely wife.

i wish i knew how to invoke these moments, as i need them more often than they decide to visit.

My wife, my crush

My marriage has challenged a belief that i have had since i was 7 or 8 years old. It was at that age that i first started believing in romantic love, a belief i hold to this day in spite of being introduced to sexual love, intellectual love, etc.

When i married, i knew i would be in love. The universe deceived me into thinking that if i was in love, then the other person would be as well. It has a dark sense of humor, as my wife quickly fell out of acting as if she is in love. Now i am left having a crush on her, as her definition of romantic love/marriage is different from mine. Hers appears to require very little interaction beyond comments about television shows, cursory displays of affection and an overall little investment in our relationship.

i wish i knew where i went wrong. When we first started dating she showed tremendous interest in me, in talking about books, art, anything, in doing things. In my cynical assessment, she did what she need to do to get married and cut out a secure life for herself.

i am tempted to talk with others, female friends, but we all know the usual male ploy of using the old "my marriage is in trouble"" to create affairs. It is not my desire to have an affair, unless it is with the woman my wife used to be, the one i have in my head. i know that she's still an amazingly caring, giving person, but just not interested in me in any way.

Fire Nights & Bad Days

Last night i spontaneously decided to invite my buddy PJ over for a fire, dinner and some beers. It was a great night to do it because the day was very warm and the night just cool enough to make the fire worth it. Especially for October. We had fun, talking and joking about everything and anything. He's down because he's in between relationships, feelin' a little lonely. He's a good guy, so i wish he could find a great partner.

Just not my, wife, but that's a blog entry for another time.

Back to work today. Meeting after meeting so no time to do the regular stuff i need to finish. Also, this being a campaign year, i am up to my neck in fundraisers and meet the candidate forums. It's all such a game that i feel dirty after doing politics.

Vermont

Man, i love Vermont. Every time i go, which is about 5 times in the last 5 years, i want to move there. People say that everyone says that before experiencing the winters there- that may be true, but the state (in parts) is so untouched, rural and full of local businesses. There are many towns without a Wal--Mart, Staples, McDonalds, etc. and it's so spiritually fulfilling to see people living without so much standard consumerism.

My brother in law has taken me on a couple of hikes to the tops of mountains in the area, and the scenes are incredible- i wish i could choose better words for it but the view leaves me speechless. Stupid as i am however, i still talk to him, probably ruining everything.

Marriage is trying

Some days you synch up perfectly- that created the love that brought you together. Other days you bounce off each other like bumper cars in an arena of senseless collision: you find you have more fun when you don't spend time together, phone calls are cut short when one spouse walks into the room unexpectedly, each day is spent for the family as a collective whole, without nourishing the individuals within the marriage.

please let me go.

Sick children & Appliance delivery

It's a good thing that sometimes i take a day off from work, because it is immediately filled with having a new dishwasher delivered and a trip to the pediatrician.

i honestly don't mind going to the pediatrician, especially if it will make my daughters better, but i wonder how this day would have played out if both my wife and i were working.

The appliance store was very cool, other than taking $700 from us, but they made everything easy, so no need to complain. Just goes to show that everyone should shop at Mom & Pop stores, not the big fucking superstores who act like buying from them is easy but when it gets right down to it once they have your money their service is sub-par.

This also sucks

i've been sick the past few days, not body-aching-vomitrama kind of sick but congested-out of body weirdness sick. i guess i'd rather have the latter, but trying to do my job is difficult when i feel as though i am not in my body but floating in some atmosphere somewhere.

Saddened by the news of the 5 Amish girls who were killed yesterday- i wish that these assholes who take it in their head to kill their spouses, children, parents, co-workers, strangers, etc. and then themselves would kill themselves first rather than having to make a statement and take others with them.

It makes me want to say that the world is going to hell, but i believe that more good than bad happens and that these cases are isolated and sensationalized therefore contribute to the general depression of the world.

This sucks

So now i've committed to blogging, something i said I'd never do. Mostly because i believe that i can not actually keep a blog that is entertaining enough.

We'll see. We'll just see.