new yourk

Visited NYC on Friday to see a show with Noire.

i have a love/hate relationship with the place. i was indifferent the first few times i went- great record stores, great food, etc- but after a few too many trips where i ended up in impossible traffic the relationship soured, so i turned on it. It was easy to turn given the fact that i am not much of a city person and i hate, hate litter. New York seems to be decorated with litter.

It was 70 degrees, and walking through he city on a warm day and evening rekindled my love for it. It helped to be with people who know the city, as well as Noire, but i felt as though i wouldn't mind going alone some day.

Picture is of some fruit i saw while walking through Chinatown; still getting used to the iPhone, so it's a little blurry.

to fall or not

Today is the third day in a chain that hints at Spring. Even a person as cynical as i cannot help being thankful for more warmth, more color, more youth.

In bed last night, Noire asked questions about my marriage counseling with ExA; we had started discussing therapists and she inquired about the counselor we had seen towards the end. She asked if it had been helpful, if anything came out that upset me, and i recalled the time ExA had said she wished i was more of a take control kind of guy, that she appreciated the democratic approached in our relationship but once in awhile wished i was more decisive. It is a ghost that has stalked me since i was a teenager: balancing sensitivity with decisiveness, knowing all to well that i was too much a student of the first camp.

Oddly enough, i found it hard to talk about with Noire, and had to stop a second. i realized for the first time in a long time that i liked having someone to listen again, as over these past few weeks i feel myself falling for her.

And still there is always a piece that holds onto to ExA, like two hands holding onto a crumbling ledge.

skin, bark, lies

While visiting PJ in Philadelphia this past Friday, he asked if i kept in touch with KT. i had no sooner told him the story about our last encounter in September 2009, and that i had not heard from her since then, when i looked at my phone and saw that she requested me as a friend on Bacefook.



i hesitated, not just out of fear of spiralling downward but also because of my relationship with Noire. i should have talked with Noire first, and resolved to do so when i returned home, and accepted the request.

8 AM the next morning i am awakened by my phone ringing; i don't answer it in time and see that it is Noire. She then sends a text imploring me to call her, and it is then i understand why she called. She launches into a tirade about how could i accept the friendship, that it is slap in the face to her, has already decided that i have every intention of being unfaithful.

One of the big problems with committing infidelity is that the action adorns you like clothes- you are forever an infidel. And as much as i try and explain to Noire that i do not want to be that kind of person, that i have been nothing but faithful to her, my scarlet letter becomes aware to me, looms over the hotel bed shrieking for the blood i owe.

Today i went to visit The Land & The Sea at my ex-in laws, as i had not seen them in a week. My anticipation quickly dulled when the first question they asked was if i would take them to get the new Pokemon DS game; when i said that i was just stopping by to see them, there was no more interest in me. This, too, reinforces the consequences of my actions in 2008, and punishes me further

i tailored this set of clothes, i have no one else to blame for why i wear them, and the only comfort i get is in despising it.

Now you know, and i have no idea what your message was to me this morning because i deleted it accidentally....not sure there are any true accidents.