The date with the the femme fatale was fun. We ate sushi, talked for hours and then saw Capitalism: A Love Story... not exactly a date film, but enjoyable nonetheless. She talked- A LOT- and while it was entertaining i had flashbacks of ExA, who talked incessantly on our first few dates, which at first was endearing but in hindsight i should have seen as a red flag.
We did not end up in bed, though, which i thought was imminent given our first encounter, but sweetly said goodnight and said we'd do it again.
Cath had texted me that night, and when i told her i'd be unavailable to text a lot that night, she texted back, "R U going on a date ;)". i texted back a lie and said i was going out with friends. Her response: "Whew!" This weighed on me so heavily that i knew i had to tell her.
We talked this afternoon, and i confessed that i lied to her. She was as upset as i expected and i realized further just how far i had let this go . i told her that the more intense she got the less so i did, i did not come right out and say that my expressions of love lately were insincere. This prompted the conversation about what our last time together was (this past Tuesday) and where i was.
Where i was was not very close to where she was.
i always want the other person feel better, but as my dear friend K said, by checking in with her will give her false hope. So i acknowledged that we can no longer be together in any way, and i asked if we could talk occasionally she replied, what's the use? When i apologized, she said, "You don't owe me anything." i have said both of these to ExA, and if they affected her the way i felt after Cath said them, then i am glad i said them. Even as i end another relationship started out of... insincerity? poor judgment?... i am still thinking of ExA, and am ashamed.
