When the beauty of the world comes to me clearly- people of all kind, smiling, grimacing as they walk sidewalks, a house so loved it's yard shines brilliantly, teenagers laughing in their complicity as they huddle in front yards, a blank faced mother in a car with her children- it seems easy, and i wonder why my antennae doesn't pick up these waves all of the time.
i recall the time ExA stood in her kitchen- it was no longer mine- and responded to my pathetic wish that she show some regret over losing us with, "i try and find some joy in everyday." It hurt that her drive to find joy in the midst of our divorce was easier, more attainable, than finding joy in us when we were married.
It is hard to remember joy. i miss childhood with great longing, as joy was so easy to find in every blade of grass, in every word with friends, at school, laying in bed at night.
