In my heart of hearts, whatever that means, i do not want to be with Noire. i cannot understand why she wants to stay in this knowing my lack of interest; is sex really so powerful that someone would stay in a relationship with a person, a relationship that lacked other details such as interesting conversation and the desire to see the person daily?

My thoughts jump to how to sabotage it- she gets upset when i don't call or text on the days we're apart, it would be easy to do more of this- but i want to have some dignity, not just escape. She deserves respect, at the very least.

In spite of my joking about it, at times it gives me pause to consider i really may have created a circle of hell for myself where my marriage was actually incredibly fulfilling, and i have traded it for a series of vacuous relationships.