My marriage has challenged a belief that i have had since i was 7 or 8 years old. It was at that age that i first started believing in romantic love, a belief i hold to this day in spite of being introduced to sexual love, intellectual love, etc.
When i married, i knew i would be in love. The universe deceived me into thinking that if i was in love, then the other person would be as well. It has a dark sense of humor, as my wife quickly fell out of acting as if she is in love. Now i am left having a crush on her, as her definition of romantic love/marriage is different from mine. Hers appears to require very little interaction beyond comments about television shows, cursory displays of affection and an overall little investment in our relationship.
i wish i knew where i went wrong. When we first started dating she showed tremendous interest in me, in talking about books, art, anything, in doing things. In my cynical assessment, she did what she need to do to get married and cut out a secure life for herself.
i am tempted to talk with others, female friends, but we all know the usual male ploy of using the old "my marriage is in trouble"" to create affairs. It is not my desire to have an affair, unless it is with the woman my wife used to be, the one i have in my head. i know that she's still an amazingly caring, giving person, but just not interested in me in any way.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
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1 comment:
That was a sad and beautiful post.
You should talk to someone you know, friends-if they are true friends-would want you to talk to them.
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