mom

My relationship with my parents has always been a respectful love. When I have met others that talk adoringly of their parents, go out of their way to spend time with them, it caused me to reflect on my relationship with my own; i rarely enjoyed their company, and they certainly weren't the first people i'd go to if i needed advice or help.

As they aged, i started to feel the need to have a closer relationship with them, and so i did- for the first time my father and i told each other we loved one another, and my mom started asking questions out of inquisitiveness, not judgement. it no longer mattered why visiting them was a duty, a chore where i'd anxiously shake my foot as we conversed, and i made peace with the fact that my younger sister's love for them was so complete, without question.

Two years ago my mom went into a nursing care facility, as she was falling at home and it became apparent that she had been drinking quite a bit of wine. A lifelong alcoholic who ended every day with whiskey, we were not going to begrudge her a bit of wine in her old age. No one knew that the bit of wine was not so little, so detox came before the nursing care facility. She did well, and it was there where we saw her deficits much more clearly- thoughts became disjointed, time had no form, but she was lovely to be around. i looked forward to my weekly, sometimes bi-weekly, visits, especially when no one else was there, as we'd just talk about anything. This became more difficult as her mind started betraying her, but i still found joy in seeing her, and she did as well.

Hospice three months ago for congestive heart failure. It was hard to see on the outside what was failing, but we were assured that it was happening. Visits the last few weeks were challenging, as she wanted to sleep most of the time, so sometimes i just meditated as i sat there; once, i touched her hand, wanting to note as much as i could before i no longer had her there.

My father was holding her hand when she passed on Sunday, May 18. My younger sister and i were in Florida with other siblings for a mini vacation, and when we were called, they immediately started crying. It felt odd that i did not feel the need to cry, and in the past week i have had to feign sorrow to those well meaning friends and co-workers that have expressed their condolences. i am not so stupid to know that people want to see you sad, hear that you're going to miss the person, so i played along. Not to say that i am not sad and that i won't miss her, but it was too personal for me to share, and i had more than made peace with the person she had become, and, in doing so, perhaps the person she was.