family room

When Noire moved in, i had had a passing thought about the fact that we should have a conversation regarding the future; specifically, marriage & children. Noire recalls that, on our first date, i made it clear that they were not in my future; i know it was early on, and like to think i was a bit more diplomatic than that. Instead, i brought it up in June as we lay in bed fatigued from making love. i had recently reneged on the marriage part, not because my faith in it was restored but because of her. i wanted to be with her every day. i asked her if children was something she still wanted- she had been unsure in the past- she said that she did. Unsure what to do with this information, i stopped talking. A few weeks ago she confronted me and asked point blank, and i told her that i didn't see more children in my future. i hadn't seen that side of her in awhile, the side where she goes from one to angry within seconds,and i was reminded of our tumultuous first year. She said she was going to move out, left crying, only to return a half hour later, calmer. Could i have another child? Yes. Do i want to? No. But isn't giving the person you love a gift as large as this what love is about, what it is at its core? My close friend, Sweetness, suggested i may become resentful of the child, the situation, if i do it out of obligation. i had thought of that, and fear she may be right. When i think our story is a foregone conclusion, something arises: some sweet word, some position of her body as she sleeps, and i feel in me that having a child with her would be wonderful.