nightswimming

A large bulletin board hangs in front of my desk at work; i face it as i carry out my day to day tasks. Pinned to it are photographs of The Land and The Sea, of people we used to support who have passed away, people with whom i worked fifteen years ago, various pieces of memorabilia that, hopefully lighten my day..... a favorite is the picture of Max from "Where The Wild Things Are" grinning mischievously as his bedroom transforms into a jungle.

There is a photo of me, along with two friends who married a month after ExA and I. Today, the afternoon had me in its jaws as we let another person go due to budget cuts. As i waited to be swallowed whole, i looked at myself in that photograph and tried to remember what i was thinking when it was taken. i was clearly happy- i am smiling, and my two friends are as well, captured in that moment of brilliance you feel when marrying the person you hope to know until the end of life. Yet, there was this craving to know exactly what my thoughts were, and disdain that cameras cannot capture everything.

A streak of autumn sun brought me out of the mouth of sadness, slightly. To me, autumn serves as a 360 degree, surround sound photograph, a metaphor for what was and what may be, what will never be again. Bitter, bittersweet.