Counseling is focused around my hatred for ExA; the most progress i've made is bringing it down to a strong dislike. Now it's time to explore why i can't move on.
Most of the time i realize it's because of what i did with KT, how disrespectful it was to ExA, but i can't shake knowing that it was done not because i wasn't in love with ExA, but because she wasn't with me.
And how pointless all of this is, wondering what ExA thinks, keeping flowers at a grave no one else tends.
i am reading a book suggested by my counselor called "A Spiritual Divorce." Some of it is a little New Agey for me, but some of it is very insightful. Last night i read the section where you do an exercise of writing down the relationship from the perspective of your ex.
i will try it, but am very afraid to, because it will humanize her and that's the last thing i want is to empathize with her.
There are lights, small ones that become larger.
After months of dating, i am beginning to feel more affection for Seraph than i thought i would. The other night, we ended our date as we usually do, talking and kissing for hours. This time, touches and kisses were more intense, like communication. She held my hand and stroked it, and i felt as if i would cry.
i still hate it when someone is so tender to this ugliness that is me.
