god dog

With this battle of believing in God or not, my "prayers" have changed.

Ever since i was a kid, i prayed while going to sleep at night, like the good little Catholic boy i had been taught to be. At 13 years old or so, the prayers became conversations: rather than listing out who or what i was praying for i started a stream of consciousness in my head. It took until i was in my 30's to start listening.

It is hard to say if i listen well enough. It is what draws me to Buddhism- listening, just opening up and taking in what is being communicated by the universe as a whole. It has served me well in almost all areas of my life- friendships, work, relationships.... with the divorce one big festering example of when i don't do it well.

In late 2008, i was driving home one night, going through my usual plea with the universe: please kill me. i was so angry that i had failed to take my own life, and secondly that i promised those close to me that i wouldn't try again, that it was only the universe that could fulfill that end. In the midst of tears, screaming and a never ending cushion of pain, a phrase jumped into my head:

"If you want it done, you'll have to do it yourself."

i am not quick to believe that that was God speaking, but i am fascinated by how it was so different from how thoughts normally ebb and flow in my head. Sure, it could have been my mind fulfilling my desire, but to this day i am suspicious about it.

At bedtime, i still talk. Perhaps i am talking to myself, but it serves a purpose- i am not sure there is a supernatural being listening, but there is a universe of beauty and soul that receives, as we should all receive, we should all listen. If people want to believe it is a kindly white haired man, or a fat bellied Asian man, or a female wearing a flowing gown of twigs, leaves and sunshine so be it.