Surprisingly, EMDR worked. Four sessions i was going to ask the counselor to be discharged, as i was beginning to think i wasn't getting anywhere. It was at that session that it did.
EMDR takes an event that the person perceives as traumatic and has them think about it as they follow the counselor's hand, holding an object such as a pen, move back and forth. i think the back and forth has something to do with accessing both hemispheres of the brain. Some therapies use touch or hearing instead of eye movement.
i chose my event: sitting in KT's car that night, knowing that what i was about to do would forever change my relationship with the one woman i had ever wanted to marry.
Back & forth. Back & forth.
i will not go into detail about what came up, but by the end, it felt as though surgery had been performed and the cancer that is ExA was removed. That night was no longer a mistake, but an act of rebellion against a marriage, a person who didn't care for my heart.
Being a skeptic... okay, pessimist- i thought it would be short lived. Here it is ,weeks later, and i still do not feel the heaviness that lived within me for two years.
The other day, while picking up The Land and The Sea, i had a civil conversation with ExA, and felt nothing afterwards, no longing, no sadness.
The downside is now i know that holding back in my relationship with Noire has nothing to do with my divorce, and has all to do with not wanting to be with her.
